How i rate films*

I’m coming at this from the perspective that anything above a 5 is good — completely ignoring the ratings inflation that plagues, say, the games industry — and that there’s no point in having a 10/10 rating if you’re not going to bloody use it. If the highest rating you ever actually give is an 8, why live?

• 11

  Masterpiece

  This is a masterpiece. One of the greatest works of fiction ever produced. I will be thinking about this for decades to come.

  Examples: Synecdoche, New York; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Back to the Future

• 10

  Perfect

  This is the best version of itself it could possibly be, with no major flaws to pick out. Pure excellence of the highest order.

  Examples: Prisoners; Celeste; Casablanca

• 9

  Excellent

  Still excellent, but somehow lacking the je ne sais quoi that makes something a 10/10.

  Examples: The Abyss; A.I.: Artificial Intelligence; The Sixth Sense

• 8

  Great

  Great! There are some flaws, but if you point them out you’re probably a sad little nitpicker with little else to do.

  Examples: Eight Millimetre; Brazil; Top Gun: Maverick

• 7

  Good

  This is pretty damned good, and i would happily watch/read/play/listen again any time.

  Examples: Censor; Evil Dead 2; Pan’s Labyrinth

• 6

  Decent

  This is good. It’s just “good”, though. It won’t win any awards, but i enjoyed my time with it.

  Examples: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice; Late Night with the Devil; most Marvel films

• 5

  Middling

  Some stuff i like, some stuff i dislike. Such is life. I just wish it were better.

  Examples: Oblivion; Death of a Unicorn

• 4

  Underwhelming

  The most frustrating kind of bad film: one with the germ of a good idea, smothered under a terrible execution.

  Examples: Heretic; The Congress

• 3

  Bad

  Actively bad to the point that i regret having watched it. The distinction between this and a 2/10 is blurry, and i’m not sure i’ve seen enough things i hate to be able to draw a firm line yet.

  Examples: Morbius

• 2

  Terrible

  Properly agonising to watch. I wish i could slap the director/writer/frontman/developer in the face. Just a little! It wouldn’t hurt that much, i swear!

  Examples: Red State

• 1

  Awful

  This is actively painful and i genuinely don’t know how anyone could sit through this. I usually turn a prospective 1/10 off before i can even watch enough to give it a rating.

  Examples: 200 Motels

• 0

  Anathema

  The lowest you can go. Not only is this bad, it goes aggressively against my values and everything i stand for as a person. I spit on its corpse.

  Examples: Idiocracy, probably, were i to ever actually watch it

• ℵ₀

  Megalon

  A strange quantum realm where normal human notions of “good” and “bad” don’t apply. A string of baffling decisions resulting in a product that, regardless of merit, i can’t look away from. A more bipolar 5/10, in a way.

  Examples: Megalopolis, The Rocky Horror Picture Show