It is the position of His Majestyâs Government that sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds are old enough
to vote, old enough to join the military, old enough to drink, old enough to have sex, and old
enough to pay income tax, but not old enough to go on the computer after the watershed.
They want to protect the children by boxing at shadows, but all theyâre doing is trapping the sons
and daughters of abusive parents tighter between the walls of their cruel homes. They are condemning
the transgender child of a fundamentalist drunk to suicide instead of allowing them any outlet to
discover themself, all on the back of
flimsy evidence
and moral panic.
And yes, the internet is shit sometimes. There are bullies and hate-mobs and vicious cycles and
predators. But the approach that this country has taken has overwhelmingly been one that targets
users, not companies, and only places them at further risk. Children, teenagers, and adults are made
to submit sensitive biometric data to sketchy startups all so that
it can get leaked out onto the open internet. Independent websites shut down under the
burden of compliance, leaving only the faceless conglomerates able to operate.
They go to Australia to âfact-findâ, only to find that teenagers
are less aware of the world around them
and
get around the age checks with ease. They decide instead to
âgo further than Australiaâsâ, seeing that the problem must be that they have not placed enough restrictions on their
countryâs young citizens, and enact an infantilising curfew on seventeen-year-olds â the very
demographic they are trying to court to vote for them! â
whose extent would make China blush.
And the media laps it all up, because theyâre thinking of the children, and nobody who
thinks of the children could ever be too restrictive of civil liberties.
All the while, the worldâs first trillionaire stokes pogroms from his chair on his personal echo
chamber, Facebook does away with any pretence of fact-checking, and the Americans cut off
AI access to anyone whoâs too forrin. But doing anything about
that would require effort, thought, investment, and a functioning set of vertebrĂŚ.
I hope, dearly, that the NSPCC, and everyone who agitated for a
censorship rĂŠgime to âprotect the childrenâ that will do anything but, can never look themselves in
the face in the mirror again. Peter Thiel is laughing at us from hell.
When/if i die, my tombstone is going to read âThought for 2,682,000,000sâ
Thereâs something disturbing about modern McDonaldâs marketing where Grimace, Hamburglar, and the
rest of the McDCU cast are there, but Ronald
McDonald is absent. Like heâs been erased from history after falling out of favour with the rĂŠgime.
Trevor Paglen and Holly Herndon on actually coaxing art out of the machine.
As someone whoâs had an interest in what one might call âAI artâ
since before ChatGPT was a twinkle in Sam Altmanâs eye, there are so
many moments in this where i hit my fists on the desk and went âYes!!!â To quoteâ
A lot of those programs have preprompting under the hood that youâre not seeing.
Midjourney has all kinds of tags that make it look a specific way, a kind of beautiful
way. Suno has tags you canât see that make the output always sound âgood.â You canât
interact directly with the weights of the model. Youâre being confined so the output
always sounds quote-unquote âgood.â When Trevor and I are working with models, you can
get way more gnarly because you have way more granular control. Itâs just not being
precleaned.
The body in the wheelchair:
âTracey had no phone, no job, no GP registration, no passport, no
friends or romantic partners. There wasnât a single photo of what she looked like. It was as if,
in her far too public death, she had entered the public record for the first time.â
Forget Victorian children or mediĂŚval peasants; âThe American pope closes his manifesto on
artificial intelligence
by quoting Gandalfâ is a sentence that would instantly kill a 2003-era forum user
Apocalypse Early Warning System: âIn the event of an
imminent nuclear apocalypse, we suspect that many people who have access to private jets will
immediately take to the skies and escape city centers. This site tracks this indicator in
realtime.â
Guess the Party, where you have to guess based on
face alone whoâs standing for which party in the English local elections. Greens are the easiest
to guess; Tories the hardest.
Moth in Relay, a delightful little net-art project
asking âwhat if Grace Hopperâs bug never left the tape?â
Whenever i hear the phrase âseparating the art from the artistâ it makes me imagine something like
the anti-dĂŚmon guillotine doohickey from His Dark Materials.
The Tyne and Wear Metro is a marvel of the British railway network: the only true metro system
outside of London and Glasgow1, with fully accessible stations,
beautiful typographic design, and only the occasional closure because someone stole all the copper wiring again. But
amongst railway nerds, it is also known for one more puzzling detail: itâs a pretzel.
Thatâs right: you can, if you want, catch a Yellow Line train at Monument, go all the way around the
coast, wind up right back where you started, and continue all the way down to South Shields just to
rub it in. Put otherwise: there are four platforms and theyâre all for the same line.
This is, as far as i know, unique to Newcastle.
Bucharest almost gets there, but chickens
out just before the line actually crosses over.
Sofia
nearly pulls it off but, in a shocking display of cowardice, redesignates its Line 4 as âLine 2â
halfway through the loop, disqualifying them immediately.
The Hague
does something even more complicated, but itâs on a tramway and i canât in good faith count it. And
Vancouverused to have the same setup â even using the same colour â but switched to a perhaps more
sensible timetabling in 2016 when an extension rendered it unworkable.
As is often the case with urban rail, the constituent parts of the Tyne and Wear Metro were built at
different times by different, competing companies, and were only later stitched together into a
coherent network.
The first part of the loop to come online was the
Newcastle and North Shields Railway, starting in 1839, who ran a service from the centre of town to (where else?) North Shields, later
extended a teensy bit further to Tynemouth. The N&NSRâs
mighty viaducts
still carry our dinky yellow trains over the Ouseburn to this day.
Meanwhile, further north, coal mining in Northumberland was growing rapidly. (This brought great
prosperity to the region, which would surely never ever end. Ever. Unless they closed the mines, but
come on, why would that ever happen?) The existing main-lines found themselves choked by
the influx of traffic, and in 1852, Parliament authorised the incorporation of the newfangled
Blyth and Tyne Railway.
The B&T at first linked Bedlington and Blyth only to the staiths at
Percy Main, but by the eighteen-sixties it had added branches to the centre of town â encouraging
buildup in Newcastleâs northern suburbs â and to the growing seaside holiday destination ofâŚ
Tynemouth.
Hm.
Red is the Blyth and Tyneâs station; blue is the Newcastle and North Shields Railwayâs.
By the early eighteen-eighties, both the B&T and the
N&NSR had been absorbed into the North Eastern Railway, which found
itself in the awkward position of having two formerly competing stations right next to each other
and no way for trains to transfer between the two. So, in 1882, the two competitorsâ lines were
linked up with a new alignment running closer to the coast, including the opening of a
gorgeous palatial through station
at Tynemouth, still in use by Metro trains and Sunday markets to this day.
The earliest timetable i could find, from 1902, shows that trains were indeed running in a loop around the coast, from the city centre
to Wallsend to Tynemouth and back, just as is possible today.
At the dawn of the twentieth century, however, the steam services were threatened by a rising
competitor: the tram. No longer
did you have to put up with noisy, steam-belching locomotives every day â you could get to exactly
where you wanted to go, in style! This, of course, wouldnât do, and so the
NER embarked on a rapid programme of electrification. By 1904, the loop
had fully switched over, and the network was rechristened the â¨ď¸ Tyneside Electrics! â¨ď¸
By this point, the network clearly resembled what we have today. Now, it didnât quite loop
over itself like today â everything went through Central Station; no perpendicular Monument
tomfoolery here â and there was an extra branch snaking along the riverside which was never
refurbished for the Metro era. But other than that, the geometry was pretty well set, and there
would be no major service changes until the introduction of â what do you mean, you want to know
what the big black arrowâs for?
Whenever i show a diagram of the Metro to my non-Geordie friends, the first response is usually
something to the effect of, âWhy isnât there a link between North and South Shields?â Itâs a fair
question, and the canned answer i usually give is that building one would be a lot of expense for
little point, since thereâs already a well-trafficked, well-loved ferry service between the two.
Little did i know that it could well have been otherwise.
Elfric Wells Chalmers Kearney was an eccentric Australian engineer who spent much of his life trying
and failing to convince city governments to adopt his all-new danglebahn, the Kearney High-speed
Tubeâ˘. Here he is in 1910 with a model he made earlier:
Do you think they ever gave him his Blue Peter badge? (Photo courtesy of
Recondite Harmony)
The âKearney Tubeâ, as it was known, would be powered by the force of gravity, hurtling down a â
gradient from stations just below the surface like a bizarro funicular before climbing gracefully
back up, suspended between a monorail below and a guide rail above, which would (in theory)
stabilise the trainâs side-to-side motion so as to not induce vomiting in everyone who rode it.
Mr Kearney promoted his invention in cities as distant as
Sydney,
London,
Portsmouth, and (if secondary sources are to be believed) Venice and New York, but it came closest to reality
between North and South Shields.
Over sixteen thousand Tynemouthicans signed
a petition
calling for its construction, and in 1925 the government gave a
provisional order
approving its construction. Alas, when it came time for a parliamentary committee to give Mr
Kearneyâs dream the final go-ahead, they were rather more sceptical. He had raised nowhere near
enough money to actually build the blasted thing, and the members were quite concerned
about the impact it might have on the livelihood of the Tyneâs ferrymen.2
Mr Kearney
held a grudge
for the rest of his life. He made elaborate, typewritten conspiracy diagrams indicating who was
paying off who, and gleefully wrote of the death of his opponents on the committee â or even those
who were only tangentially connected:
Under pressure from Lord Ashfield, Henry Ford went back on his undertaking to finance the first
Kearney Tube between North and South Shields. Not long afterwards Esdell Ford [sic],
Henry Fordâs only son, was taken ill and died.
In 1939,
he gave it one more go, partnering with the LNER â only for the outbreak of the second world
war to put an abrupt halt to any civilian infrastructure plans. He would eventually write
a science-fiction novel titled
ErĹne, where his his protagonistâs ideas are proven correct by a utopian society on
Uranus, and if only the good people of Earth would listen!
Mr Kearney died in 1966, never having seen his utopia come to fruition. I was unable to find where
or how, or even in which continent he is buried â he split his time between Australia and Britain,
and he could plausibly have passed on either side of the equator. Still, i hope heâs up there
somewhere, smiling down on all the shweebs, hyperloops, monorails, and other gadgetbahns of today.3
By the nineteen-sixties, the Tyneside Electrics had seen better days. Passenger numbers were
falling, the trains of tomorrow were decrepit, and they werenât even electric â British Rail had
deemed it more cost-effective to run slower, dirtier diesel trains. The system had become a
kittiwake4
around the North Eastâs neck. So, in 1971, the local transport executive commissioned a study â and
they came back with a plan.
You know how the rest goes. Though the Tyne and Wear Metro would mostly reuse the existing routes
mentioned before, they would all be linked up through a newly constructed central core underground â
meeting in the middle at Greyâs Monument.
The pretzel shape was completed by proceeding one stop further from Monument to stubby St Jamesâ
Park.5
This was just a temporary terminus, of course â the station was built so that, in future, they could
easily come back and extend it out to the long-underserved west end of the city. Quoth 1981âs
âTyne and Wear Metro: concept, organization, and operationâ:
St James station is at the centre of an area designated for future office development and also
serves the football ground; the station has also been designed to allow the system to be
extended westwards at some future date.
So, eventually, that happened, right? They turned that little stumpy arm into a full-fledged
extension. Right? âŚRight?
In 1981, environment secretary Michael Heseltine vetoed any further extensions to the Metro system. Since
then, the only substantive changes have been in 1991 â inking the airport to the rest of Newcastle â
and 2002, when, after twenty years, the Tyne and Wear Metro finally reached Wearside. It is
around 2002 that things get a little silly.
This map floats around the internet a lot, though i havenât been able to tie it back to its
original source.
Via the linked BBC article.
Shortly after service to Sunderland began, Nexus (the local transport operator) announced
Project Orpheus, their grandiose plan
to build a transport network fit for the twenty-first century. Bus rapid transit for everyone! A
cable car in Gateshead! And, yes, the valiant return of trams to Newcastle-upon-Tyne,
connecting the west end up with the city centre.
None of this happened.
The plans were watered down and watered down until all that was left was the vague idea of
refurbishing the Metro and making buses more frequent. The great recession and austerity presumably
killed any hope it had left. You still get
calls from local councillors
to extend the system to their part of the area, but they seem unlikely to amount to much. So is all
hope lost?
Well⌠remember the Blyth and Tyne Railway?
A Class 158 crossing the Wansbeck Viaduct. CC-BY, courtesy of
Steve Knight.
Passenger services along the B&T north of Backworth were given the chop
by Dr Beeching in the nineteen-sixties. Combined with the end of coal, this was a one-two punch in
the gut for working-class mining towns like Ashington and Blyth, leaving them some of the most
impoverished in the country.
Local campaigners have been calling for its reopening since the nineties, initially to little avail
barring a token mention in the ill-fated Project Orpheus plan. In 2013, Northumberland County
Council started taking the idea seriously. In 2019, the transport secretary gave the thumbs up. In
2021, shovels hit the dirt. And in 2024, for the first time in half a century, trains carried
passengers from Ashington to Newcastle.
It may be like pulling teeth, and it may cost more than we might like, but Britain
can still build things â and local politicians seem to have noticed! In 2024, work began on
the first serious proposal since Orpheus to extend the Metro; this time,
to Washington, along the disused
Leamside line.
Š Nexus
Curiously, the proposed extension goes in yet another loop. Itâs hard to imagine this
wouldnât require some rejigging of how the network runs â a third line, perhaps? New
platforms at Pelaw? But however they run it, it looks like, if it goes through â and thatâs
a big if â the Yellow Line may not be alone in its topological weirdness for long.
Itâs 2026 and, somehow, the most convenient way of getting an image from my phone to my desktop (or
vice versa) is still âposting it in a private Discord server with me as the only memberâ.
Unfortunately this loses steam once it stops being a road movie and starts being a
True Stories-esque small-wacky-town comedy â which is, uh, most of it. That said, itâs kind
of crazy how well John Leguizamo passes. (5½/10)
I love the depiction of a human/AI âcentaurâ in this â itâs so rare you
see one in media, and the way itâs presented, almost like the dĂŚmon of a bicameral mind telling you
what to do, is brilliant. Good enough action, too, to make up for a lacklustre performance from the
lead antagonist. (8/10)
There is very little i can say about this movie that has not already been expressed much better than
people who are not me. Anton Chigurh is one of the most terrifying characters in fiction and he does
it all with that fuckass haircut. (9/10)
Deservedly on its way to becoming a sci-fi classic. Iâve
rambled about it enough already, but suffice it to
say that if you havenât already gone and seen it at the cinema thrice, what the hell are you even
doing? (10/10)
I love how the porno company treat each other like one big, fucked-up family. A strangely
heartwarming film for the premise (at least in the first half)! (7/10)
I went to the Tyneside Cinema thinking i was going to watch The Drama. Then i saw
this on the schedules, and thought⌠well, i have to.
Every ten seconds i was soyjak-pointing at the screen and thinking, âOh, thatâs where that
other thing i like got the idea from!â In that context itâs kind of funny how little emphasis is
actually given to The Slideâ˘ÂŽ â itâs just a cool trick that happens in the first chase scene, but
itâs so mega-cool that everyone who watched it and went on to have a career in the arts
made it their lifeâs mission to do it again.
Itâs incredible that they could do all that in 1988. Few animated films come close to looking this
good even today. IMDB trivia said they had to mix dozens of new pigments
for all the various nocturnal hues they wanted to use, and reading that just blew my mind even more
â you donât tend to think about how, before computers, you couldnât just paint in any
RGB colour you wanted!
The only critique i really have is that it sags a bit around the middle, but itâs cool enough that i
canât care. (9½/10), and if you ever get the chance to see it on the big screen, take it!
all the GuaranĂ at my church make me do the fortnite dance and shout go
white boy go
Didnât care much for most of this â not really the filmmakersâ fault, but any Christian conversion
story is likely to bounce off me â but thereâs some beautiful shots of the South American wilds, and
Ennio Morricone put his whole Morriconussy into the score as always. (4½/10)
I still havenât fully figured out what to make of this. Some of it feels underbaked; everything is
caked in ten layers of metaphor, but⌠maybe i liked that? I donât know.
Anne Hathaway and Michaela Coel deserve all the awards for this. Iâm buying stock in the latter. Ms
Coel to the moon for Best Supporting Actress. All in.
The songs, contributed by Charli XCX, Jack Antonoff, and
FKA Twigs, are an equal highlight, and remain in my regular listening â
has Ms Hathawayâs Wikipedia page been updated to list her as a singer in the opening line yet?
(7/10? I think? Maybe 6?)
What if: Speed, but Jason Statham is the bus? The most late-2000s movies ever made.
Constantly in-your-face with outrageous, offensive, adrenaline-pumping nonsense. Itâs everything you
could ever ask for.
Actually, you know what? Let me just list some things included in these films. This is all real:
Jason Statham holding a doctor, who is the guy from Itâs Always Sunny in Philadelphia, at
gunpoint while wheeling an elderly patient down a corridor and getting into an argument with
said patient
Chester Bennington telling him to buy nasal spray to get high
Jason Statham having unenthusiastic public sex with his girlfriend in the middle of Chinatown
while a crowd of Chinese people and a bus full of Japanese schoolgirls cheer them on
Jason Statham connecting a car battery up to his tongue to recharge his artificial heart
David Carradine as an elderly Chinese man
A transvestite Latino informant with âfull-body Touretteâsâ who is the identical twin of a dead
character from the last film
A horny therapist who vomits onto the camera after her client accidentally gets shot in the head
A kaiju fight in a substation
Google Earth
Jason Statham shocking himself with a dog collar and farting
A sentient head in a tank of ominous yellow fluid
John de Lancie
An erect horsecock
A dream sequence inspired by the Jeremy Kyle Show where Ginger Spice plays Jason Stathamâs mam
If you read that and thought âhell yeahâ, then Crank and Crank 2 are the movies for
you. (7/10)
Before we start â i always feel a little awkward about publishing two link roundups in a row, and
three especially is pushing it, so i wanted to assure everyone that i do have some more
stuff in the pipe! In the coming months, you can expect (okay, hope) to see, in no particular order:
A deep dive into why the Tyne and Wear Metro is the funny shape it is
Several short multimedia articles on the Tupaians, Looking at the Big Skyâs closest thing
to confirmed first contact with aliens
Putting the final touches on a nice big wall map of Europe, to be given pride of place in the
Cartothèque
A delightful find while working on the aforementioned map of Europe: The
Blue Green Atlas, a collection of free
relief maps of nearly every country. Lovely stuff.
The Almaz programme: âIn addition to
reconnaissance equipment, Almaz was equipped with a unique Rikhter
R-23 23mm rapid-fire cannon mounted on the forward belly of the
station.â
Adam Cadreâs name tool â search a name and see how
popular itâs been in the U.S. over time. Designed for authors who want generationally plausible
names for their characters.
Mozilla has a more optimistic take on Claude Mythosâ impending security-pocalypse:
âThe zero-days are numbered.â
Letâs hope theyâre right!
aiaiai.art, a collection of ideas from a Dutch creative
collective on how to actually wring art out of the machine
The Freewrite Smart Typewriter, for people who want to write without the distraction of the internet. âXanthe,â you might
say, âthis isnât computerâ. But is the deliberately introduced absence of computer not, in
itself, very computer?
Igaratype, a typographical⌠thingy
based on the flow of the Amazon
Introducing Talkie, a language model trained
exclusively on text from 1930 and before. I find it quite amusing to give it news stories from
today and ask what it thinks about them, but that might just be because iâm boring.
The New Yorker on the age of AI writing.
Iâm broadly open to machine learning in the arts (see posts passim), but writing is one
area where most applications strike me as sad and self-defeating.1
For films, TV, games, i get it â it can ratchet down costs and make
bizarre psychedelic visuals no human could ever imagine â but if youâre not even the one writing
the text in your work that consists entirely of text, why bother?
Charcuterie: an online explorer for Unicode
characters. Pretty nifty interface!
And the mistakes, Schmitt noted, are weird ones: There is virtually no way that a person
with any training in mathematics would make such a plethora of basic errors while also
succeeding in coming up with subtle, original, and correct ideas.
If we were ever to make contact with a truly alien intelligence, i suspect it might resemble
arguing with Claude.2
Train Jazz, or, turning the New York City Subway into
music
Ex-Classics. What a wonderful idea for a site â books
which used to be considered classics, but which have fallen into obscurity, hosted
online for all to read anew!
The title âIrish Zionismâ does this
video an injustice. This is the spiritual successor to that video about building a giant Jeff
Bezos head that detoured into Turkish hair transplants and pirate ships. But on speed.
Local interest:
Signs of Change at Grainger Market, from the recently discovered Cultured North East, a must-follow for anyone in the
area.
Kevin Kellyâs list of âcontemporary heresiesâ. All of these are brain-melting in their own way, but, to plant my flag in the shroomy ground,
i think 6, 15, 19, 29, 38, 52, and 73 are⌠kind of cooking?