Britain is, as everyone around the globe agrees (source: Nigel Farage, who surely would never lie about anything), the greatest 3½ countries in a trenchcoat on Earth. To that end, there have been a great number of odes and pæans written to it, as well as England — not that there was often a distinction drawn until well into the twentieth century. (Sorry, Scotland and Wales. And the other one.)¹

This is a ranking of said songs, from worst to best. Starting off with…

7. I Vow to Thee, My Country

I’m conflicted about putting this in last. On one hand, “Thaxted”, the snippet of Holst’s “Jupiter” on which I Vow to Thee is based, is one of the most beautiful pieces of music i’ve ever had the pleasure of piping into my ears. On the other hand, that’s why it pains me to see it converted into such a generikit patriotic tune.

And to the extent that it is patriotic, it’s downright creepy. England’s a wonderful place, yes, but to feel a “love that asks no questions” towards it is practically inviting Oswald Mosley over for tea. How are you meant to make Britain better if you can’t ask questions of it?

6. God Save the King

It’s a poor national anthem, frankly, because rather than about the nation, it’s about one guy. I have nothing but respect for His Majesty, but his presence alone is not what makes this country great.

5. There’ll Always Be an England

In the canon of the music that got us through the second world war, there’s no competing with “We’ll Meet Again” — but that’s not a patriotic song, now, is it? Top marks for putting the focus squarely on the country of England, rather than the soldiers who defend it or monarchs who rule it, but i could care less for the refrain of “red, white, and blue — what does it mean to you?”. Those are the national colours of literally all four of the major Allied powers, Vera. That doesn’t actually set us apart.

4. Rule, Britannia

Over the years, “Rule, Britannia” has taken on a tinge of denial — “Britannia rule the waves” sounds more like a heavy dose of copium rather than a sincere brag of naval superiority. Still, much as people rag on it as a piece of imperial nostalgia, there’s nothing like seeing the entire Royal Albert Hall chant “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves” in unison to bring a patriotic tear to a liberal Brit’s eye.

3. Land of Hope and Glory

This has gotten as far as it has based chiefly on the music itself rather than the few lyrics set to it — but brevity is the soul of wit, no? It simply has the aura of a great national anthem for reasons that are difficult to put into words. (Something something dancing about architecture.)

2. Three Lions

What makes “Three Lions” so great even outside the context of football is that it surmises a very English philosophy in a way none of the other songs on this list do: the stiff upper lip in the face of defeat.

Yes, England hasn’t won a major tournament since the sixties, and yes, the country’s gone to hell in a handbasket, but you know bloody what? [Sixty] years of hurt never stopped me dreaming. We still believe, in spite of everything around us, that it might be coming home — despite knowing that it won’t. And that’s the beautiful thing about England.

1. Jerusalem

“Jerusalem” is so explicitly Christian that it baffles even me that it’s my favourite. What makes it work is that it takes what “There’ll Always Be an England” does — praising the country of England, not its leaders — and turns that dial right up to eleven, with the romanticist flair of William Blake’s masterful pen. For just a moment, even the most hardened atheist finds himself willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, the countenance of Christ shone forth upon the Pennines.

The perfect antidote to the cultish “I Vow to Thee, My Country”, way back at the bottom of the list, “Jerusalem” is all about fighting for a better England. Yes, thank you — i will pick up my bow of burning gold and fight to build the new Jerusalem in this green and pleasant land, bugger any cynics who try to stop me. Things could be better somewhat, and they will — but only if we as a country fight for it.