The GardenDespatches from The Satyrs’ Forest

Posts tagged as “rankings”

Ten dead people

A montage of said ten people

The ten dead people i would most want to have a discussion with over a cup of tea,1 in no particular order:

  • Jesus of Nazareth (c. 4 BCE–33 CE)
  • Emperor Julian (331–363)
  • Hildegard von Bingen (c. 1098–1179)
  • Nikolai Fyodorov (1829–1903)
  • Srinivasa Ramanujan (1887–1920)
  • Willem Arondéus (1894–1943)
  • Gerald Gardner (1884–1964)
  • Richard Nixon (1913–1994)
  • Dixy Lee Ray (1914–1994)
  • John C. Lilly (1915–2001)

Honourable mentions go to Arthur C. Clarke, Christopher Lee, Gemistus Plethon, and J. R. R. Tolkien.

…And three alive people who are historically interesting enough that they’ll likely join the ten above after they pass:

  • Miss Martindale (1937–)
  • Jim Morasco/Sevy Verna (the Toynbee Tiler)
  • Any one of the Pintupi Nine

Ranking the Twelve Angry Men

12. Angry Man #7

As comic relief, he’s great, and should obviously be played by Tim Robinson in the inevitable event of a remake. As a person, fuuuuuck this guy. A life is hanging in the balance and you just want to watch some Yankee cricket? You fold under pressure, rather than actually reëvaluating your beliefs? Kill yourself, my man.

11. Angry Man #10

There is nothing but hate behind those eyes. A wretched soul who is rightfully told to sit down and shut up. #CancelAngryManNumberTen

10. Angry Man #2

Detestable for the same reason as Angry Man #7. A doormat with no opinions of his own whose soul is carried away with the current. But at least he’s affable.

9. Angry Man #6

The boringest Angry Man. Why is he here? We needed twelve of them, i guess.

8. Angry Man #3

The kind of man who turns on Fox News, sees his son send a post-ironic femboy meme in the family group chat, and immediately decides every transgender person should be rounded up. Not a dyed-in-the-wool bigot like Angry Man #10, but no nicer to be around. All we can do is pray that someone turns on the parental controls on his TV and switches him over to MSNBC.

7. Angry Man #12

He treats the case as frivolously as Angry Man #7, but you know what? I can’t help but like him. He just wants to show off his cereal box slogans and play noughts and crosses.

6. Angry Man #11

“Continental Europeans who moved to an Anglophone country” are God’s chosen people.

5. The Foreman

Poor fella’s just tryin’ ta dee his job and he’s stuck in the room with all these colourful characters. I can’t help but feel bad for him.

4. Angry Man #5

The most mysterious Angry Man. He’s of the same ethnicity as the descendant, and he knows how switch-blades work, but otherwise… who knows? What mysteries lie in his past? We’ll never find out, but he seems like a cool dude.

3. Angry Man #8

“You know, i would have voted for FDR a fifth time if i could.” The greatest bleeding-heart liberal in cinematic history. His heroism made a tear come out of my eye that then turned into a dove of peace and flew away. But just as admirable as those who lead the charge are those who can admit their faults — which leads us to…

2. Angry Man #4

Hell yes. Unlike Angry Men #3 and #10, #4 doesn’t vote “guilty” because of prejudice. He sincerely believes that the boy did it, and, once every argument is dismantled, he quietly accedes and admits defeat rather than loudly crashing out. Also spends the most time aura-farming out of any of the Angry Men.

1. Angry Man #9

The coolest old man in the universe. The Paddington Bear of the 12AMCU, able to disarm anyone with a hard stare. Somehow the only person in the room who knows how glasses work. 10/10 Angry Man-ing.

Ranking British and English patriotic songs for no discernable reason

Britain is, as everyone around the globe agrees (source: Nigel Farage, who surely would never lie about anything), the greatest 3½ countries in a trenchcoat on Earth. To that end, there have been a great number of odes and pæans written to it, as well as England — not that there was often a distinction drawn until well into the twentieth century. (Sorry, Scotland and Wales. And the other one.)1

This is a ranking of said songs, from worst to best. Starting off with…

7. I Vow to Thee, My Country

I’m conflicted about putting this in last. On one hand, “Thaxted”, the snippet of Holst’s “Jupiter” on which I Vow to Thee is based, is one of the most beautiful pieces of music i’ve ever had the pleasure of piping into my ears. On the other hand, that’s why it pains me to see it converted into such a generikit patriotic tune.

And to the extent that it is patriotic, it’s downright creepy. England’s a wonderful place, yes, but to feel a “love that asks no questions” towards it is practically inviting Oswald Mosley over for tea. How are you meant to make Britain better if you can’t ask questions of it?

6. God Save the King

It’s a poor national anthem, frankly, because rather than about the nation, it’s about one guy. I have nothing but respect for His Majesty, but his presence alone is not what makes this country great.

5. There’ll Always Be an England

In the canon of the music that got us through the second world war, there’s no competing with “We’ll Meet Again” — but that’s not a patriotic song, now, is it? Top marks for putting the focus squarely on the country of England, rather than the soldiers who defend it or monarchs who rule it, but i could care less for the refrain of “red, white, and blue — what does it mean to you?”. Those are the national colours of literally all four of the major Allied powers, Vera. That doesn’t actually set us apart.

4. Rule, Britannia

Over the years, “Rule, Britannia” has taken on a tinge of denial — “Britannia rule the waves” sounds more like a heavy dose of copium rather than a sincere brag of naval superiority. Still, much as people rag on it as a piece of imperial nostalgia, there’s nothing like seeing the entire Royal Albert Hall chant “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves” in unison to bring a patriotic tear to a liberal Brit’s eye.

3. Land of Hope and Glory

This has gotten as far as it has based chiefly on the music itself rather than the few lyrics set to it — but brevity is the soul of wit, no? It simply has the aura of a great national anthem for reasons that are difficult to put into words. (Something something dancing about architecture.)

2. Three Lions

What makes “Three Lions” so great even outside the context of football is that it surmises a very English philosophy in a way none of the other songs on this list do: the stiff upper lip in the face of defeat.

Yes, England hasn’t won a major tournament since the sixties, and yes, the country’s gone to hell in a handbasket, but you know bloody what? [Sixty] years of hurt never stopped me dreaming. We still believe, in spite of everything around us, that it might be coming home — despite knowing that it won’t. And that’s the beautiful thing about England.

1. Jerusalem

“Jerusalem” is so explicitly Christian that it baffles even me that it’s my favourite. What makes it work is that it takes what “There’ll Always Be an England” does — praising the country of England, not its leaders — and turns that dial right up to eleven, with the romanticist flair of William Blake’s masterful pen. For just a moment, even the most hardened atheist finds himself willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, the countenance of Christ shone forth upon the Pennines.

The perfect antidote to the cultish “I Vow to Thee, My Country”, way back at the bottom of the list, “Jerusalem” is all about fighting for a better England. Yes, thank you — i will pick up my bow of burning gold and fight to build the new Jerusalem in this green and pleasant land, bugger any cynics who try to stop me. Things could be better somewhat, and they will — but only if we as a country fight for it.

Ranking the sciences by how evil they are

11. Biologists

I actually think in their heart of hearts all biologists want to be mad scientists. The problem is that they’re really bad at it. You try attaching a chimp’s head to a man — that’s, what, half a casualty? That’s nothing! Even if you put the tinfoil hat on and say, ah, but lab leaks and viruses and whatnot — if we’re going to rank the sciences on their ability to do a pandemic, covid isn’t a particularly good showing when all most people under 90 remember of it is being really bored, sticking uncomfortable Q-tips up their nose, and baking sourdough bread.

They’re in dead last because of all the sciences in this list, biology has the largest negative kill count, having saved billions of lives and thus making themselves known as utterly incompetent at being evil.

10. Astronomers

Like biologists, every astronomer dreams of waking up to an imminent asteroid impact. (This isn’t a particularly secret ambition, either.) They’ve read and written all the sci-fi lit there is, and theoretically have a pretty good grasp on how to destroy the world.

Un­for­tu­nately when a mad astronomer says the world will end it carries the same tenor and believability of that snotty-nosed kid on the playground saying his uncle works for Nintendo. A gamma-ray burst will end all life on Earth? When’s that, sweetie? Oh? Two trillion years from now? That’s nice, dear. Ooooh, an asteroid that has a 0.001% chance of passing by the moon? Terrifying.

9. Computer scientists

If they really wanted to, the computer scientists definitely could kill everyone and break all electronics forever. Un­for­tu­nately they’d be out of a job if they did that, so i don’t think we have much to worry about.

8. Sociologists

The good news for sociologists is that they are, genuinely, completely fucking insane. The bad news is that they don’t even know how to write a paper with replicable results, let alone take over the world. If they ever figure out how to distinguish a fake article about toxic masculinity in dog parks from a real article about toxic masculinity in dog parks they might move up a bit in the ranks.

7. Linguists

This is actually a statistical error caused by Spiders Noam and should be ignored.

6. Psychologists

Psychologists have really fallen off since the initial publication of the Haber–Haber Scale of Scientific Evil back in 1932. They used to rip monkeys from their families and put them in cages, get people to administer lethal electric shocks, put people in prison for the lulz — now, alas, they seem content to let their perfectly developed evil skillset go to waste and futz around figuring out how to make people subscribe to emails instead. Sad!

5. Chemists

Chemists are great at doing evil. They can make poisons, kill people with radiation, pretend “α-(5,6-Di­methyl­benzi­mida­zo­lyl)co­ba­mid­cyan­ide” is a totally normal thing to say — the list goes on! The main thing bringing them down is that they don’t seem at all interested in doing evil. They know the nega-utils from working at big pharmaceutical companies are going to the economists here, right?

4. Physicists

Ah, physics, the “fuck around and find out” of the sciences, whose practitioners never met a death, destroyer of worlds they didn’t like. Ever since the atom bomb they’ve been a consistent presence in the upper tier, and it’s not hard to see why. Even when they’re not literally killing millions, they’re sticking heads in particle accelerators, developing new and innovative ways to undo the fundamental forces of the universe, and causing chaos among the general population by convincing them their collider would destroy the universe. Their fourth place position says more about the quality of those who ranked ahead of them than any faults of physics specifically.

3. Mathematicians

Mathematicians are barely holding on to their humanity. They haven’t seen the sunlight in days. They think quantum physics is just too soft and people-y. In this lies their danger: the possibility that they might snap.

Take Grigori Perelman, a mild example. He was a prodigy, proving conjectures that had stood unproven for hundreds of years — and then, at the apex of his career, the million-dollar prize… he just stopped. He just left the field, became a hermit, and was never seen again. Mr Perelman’s story is the best-case scenario.

The worst-case scenario? Well — the real reason mathematics is so high is that they have the dubious distinction of being the only field on this list to have spawned an actual terrorist. If it were up to me, i’d keep the mathematicians under 24/7 CCTV surveillance.

2. Economists

Self-explanatory.

1. Geologists

Geologists? What? Surely they’d be at the bottom: all they do is study rocks!

That was my thinking too. But then i thought about it. And thought about it. And uncovered the dark secret of geology. No, they can’t make earthquakes happen on demand, or turn themselves into lava. That’s theory. But what of applied geology?

Applied geology has other names. Chief among them: mining, fracking, and drilling. The geologist plan is a slow burn. They dig, and dig, and dig, guzzling up all the coal and oil they can muster, spewing their flames into the atmosphere. And by the time anyone noticed… it wasn’t their problem anymore. Oh, they say, that’s not us, that’s Nasa, that’s the biologists, that’s the economists, it could never be us humble innocent rock nerds. But they know. They know, deep down, that when the last forest burns itself up, when the last city falls into the sea — the geologists will look over the rubble, and the geologists will be king.