The GardenDespatches from The Satyrs’ Forest

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Two wolves

¡ Tagged as writing ¡ 1 comment
An image macro of Scotty from Star Trek. Top text: Inside you there are two wolves. Bottom text: Sorry about the transporter malfunction.
Have to say, the “Make a Meme!” watermark really puts the cherry on top.

There are two wolves inside of me. One is a fantasy author who will gladly write thirty-word run on sentences until they’re purple in the face; the other is a copy-editor for the Economist who wants to hack at every sentence until it’s shorter than their last relationship.

I suspect the fantasy author is winning — much as the copy-editor is the one who writes my style guide, they’d probably be mortified by the liberty with which their counterpart peppers texts with em-dashes and semicolons.α And anyway — i’m a blogger, not a journalist! I have no requirement to make my writing erudite to the average businessman. (Well, maybe if this site suddenly pivots audiences…)

One thing i’d like to do at some point, i think, is find a way to synchronise or link up the WordPress comments here on the blog with the jury-rigged PHP comments on the main site. Much as i admire the single-style, chronological blog format, it can be terribly limiting at times — i’d love to be able to post simultaneously here and there and not have people worry about missing out on the discussion.

A lush cover of “Running up that Hill”

¡ Tagged as Kate Bush, music, the Wombats ¡ Leave a comment
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e20W7aj5cxM

Look. Reader, you’re probably sick to death of “Running up that Hill”β at this point — it’s been everywhere for weeks. But i’m not, because it’s a bloody great song and i neither listen to pop radio nor watch Stranger Things, so here’s a brilliant, luscious cover by the inexplicably non-Australian bandγ the Wombats.

(P.S. — I still can’t remember that post idea i had the other day, no matter how many bike rides to the same place i run… was it a religious thing? Some meta-internet naff? Was i going to get political? If someone has access to my brain’s Recycle Bin folder, please tell me.)

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume IX

· Tagged as links, Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · 1 comment

I had a really good idea for a post the other night. Then i fell asleep and promptly forgot it, so you’re getting this instead — apologies.

The July media catchup

¡ Tagged as monthly recaps ¡ Leave a comment

I’ve missed, erm, quite a lot of “monthly updates”, so here’s me catching you up on everything i’ve watched, listened to, and otherwise done since February.

(I should note that from here on out i’ll be using numeric ratings instead of letters — i find it much easier to figure out whether something’s a 7 or an 8 than whether it’s an A or a B.)

🎥 Films on the big screen

Michelle Yeoh with a googly eye on her face in an office
  • There are few films i would recommend unconditionally to anyone and everyone, but by Gods, Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) is one of them. It’s belly-laugh funny, has brilliant action, and features some of the most truly ridiculous scenes ever put to film, but all without ever losing its sincere, heartfelt core. Just go watch it.δ (9)
  • The Northman (2021) is Robert Eggers’ first attempt at a big blockbuster film — and probably his last, looking at the box office. Which is a shame — this weird, grim, beautiful, gory Pagan epic just tickled me in all of the right places, and very well might be in my top 3 films ever made. I loved how it struck the balance of “maybe it’s magic, maybe it’s mundane”; BjĂśrk and Willem Dafoe absolutely steal the show in their brief appearances. (10-)
  • Top Gun: Maverick is everything a blockbuster should be. It’s so, so refreshing to watch something so grounded in the real world after what feels like decades of fantastical superhero CGI fluff dominating the box office. Yes, it’s a recruitment ad for the US Navy and probably the Sea Org, but who gives a shit? It had me glued to my seat start to finish.Îľ (8)
  • The same, alas, cannot be said of its predecessor, which i tried to watch to bring me up to speed. Tried is the operative word there: homoerotic beach volleyball and extreme Dad Movie energy can only go so far to prop up flat characters and stakeless action; i ended up turning it off halfway through. I can’t recommend it to anyone who’s not a Dad Who Likes Planes. (2)
  • Sam Raimi takes the wheel at the newest Marvel theme park ride, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. Mr Raimi’s hectic style shines through in some glorious, fleeting moments, but most of it is just another by-the-numbers intellectual property orgy which left me sorely disappointed. I considered walking out of the screen several times. (5-)
  • The Batman is a very good adaptation of a story we all know by now. I loved, loved, loved Paul Dano’s weird incel version of the Riddler, the Pat-man’s eyeshadow, and that one part where he flubs the landing with his cool flying squirrel suit. (7+)
  • I watched Morbius in the cinema. Dear god, why did i watch Morbius in the cinema? Why did i do that to myself? Don’t believe the memes. Excepting one truly glorious scene with Matt Smith, this isn’t the funny kind of bad. It’s just plain bad. (2+)
  • Moonfall, on the other hand… now that’s a good bad movie. I swear my IQ dropped several points after walking out of the cinema. (5) Here are some things that actually happen in this actual movie that was actually released into actual cinemas across several actual countries and made millions of actual dollars:
    • The government successfully covers up the fact that the moon is falling, and not a single person notices except for a crazed conspiracy theorist.
    • Said conspiracy theorist is inexplicably British.
    • The characters take the Space Shuttle out of a museum because their other rocket broke, and it still works just as well as the day it was put in there. Also, someone graffiti’d it with the words “fuck the moon”.
    • The day is saved by superior Chinese technology, because of course it is.
    • On that note — there is a character in here whose sole purpose, i’m pretty sure, is to just stand there, say some lines now and then, and be Chinese for the Chinese audience. You could cut her out of the film and literally nothing would change.
    • You can guess what the department of defence wants to do to the moon. That’s right, they try to nuke it!
    • But they don’t because a five-star general knows his ex-wife is up there.
    • There is a shot of the moon falling on New York City in which, i shit you not, every building except the World Trade Centre gets absolutely blown to smithereens.
    • Someone’s brain is uploaded to the moon.
    • One of the main characters’ friends owns a Lexus™ dealership. All of the characters drive Lexus™ cars, and they escape oxygen thieves(??) by activating Turbo Mode on their Lexus™ automobile.
    • The Space Shuttle is vaguely “secured” by the Russian cybersecurity firm Kaspersky, who, just weeks after my screening, got sanctioned by the EU in the wake of the special peacekeeping operation™.
    • A main character gets trapped underneath a log and he escapes because the moon’s gravity pulls it off of the ground! This really happens! I am not making this up! Someone says “Sonny, the moon will help us!”
    • “I know; that’s why we lost the house.” — a seven-year-old

💿 Music

  • Sigur RĂłs’ () — I may now have a new favourite album. At the very least, it’s my favourite album where none of the tracks have titles and my favourite album where every song is sung in asemic gibberish. Check out the opening track. (9)
  • John Grant’s Queen of Denmark — A surprise gift from my papa. A really lovely piano record — check out the title track. (7+)
  • Spinvis’ Spinvis — Hallelujah, Dutch-language music that doesn’t suck donkey dick! Check uit „Voor ik vergeet”. (7-)
  • After acquiring it on black plastic, i thought i’d give Green Day’s American Idiot a spin — last time around i gave it a C+, but it’s much better when you’re able to properly appreciate each track on its own merits. You know the hits, so check out “Letterbomb”. (8)
  • Charli XCX’s Crash is pretty good, but anchored too firmly in the mainstream for my liking. Check out the hyperpop-inflected “Lightning”. (7)
  • Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood’s new side gig, The Smile, released their debut album A Light for Attracting Attention, and it could easily pass for a tenth Radiohead album. Check out Pablo Honey 2 “You Will Never Work in Television Again” and “Skrting on the Surface”. (8)

🌍 Everything else!

  • 📺 Apple TV+’s Severance is some of the best bloody television i’ve ever seen. I pray to the heavens above that they don’t fuck up that cliffhanger. (9+)
  • 📺 Netflix’s animated Inside Job has a wonky start, with an abundance of forced pop-cultural references, but really finds its footing by the end of the season. Here’s hoping they don’t cancel it — i can’t wait to see where it goes next! (7)
  • 🖥️ On the Youtube side of things, Captain KRB is a fantastic and underrated (only 40 thousand subs) videomaker who you should consider giving a shot. Check out his video about The Stairway to Stardom, an obscure public access show. (6+)
  • 🖥️ Kane Parsons continues to breathe new life into a worn-out e-horror setting with his Backrooms series. (7)
  • ⛰️ I am, as of last month, an official sponsor of the otters at Northumberland Country Zoo. My only regret is that i’m not allowed to hug them. (cute/10)
Three Asian small-clawed otters resting on a log
Cat tax. Otter tax?

A walk down to the Quayside

¡ Tagged as Newcastle, Northumberland, photos ¡ 3 comments
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1eN8vyVFIM
This article comes equipped with its own optional soundtrack for those who want to follow along with my listening habits as well as my walk.
A decaying building’s brick-arched frontage contrasts with a concrete underpass.
We begin at the Holy Jesus Hospital, whose site served as an almshouse for the poor for seven hundred years.
More brick arches, trailing off into the background.
The current 17th-century building now serves as office space for the National Trust. No noseys allowed (shame!)
The frontage of a shop by the name of “Tile World” (with a globe replacing the O), its shutters now covered with graffiti.
Anyone need some tiles?
I’m pretty sure this is either “Hallelujah” or “Jerusalem”, but i have absolutely no idea which.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQlAEiCb8m0
A hulking grey concrete building scrapes the sky.
Only a scant few BT-branded trucks occupy the parking lot of this hulking concrete husk, surely far too big for its intended purpose.
Four floors of brick flats.
Ahhh — reminds me of home, back in Hoorn.
A worn European Union flag hangs over a balcony.
The tragedy of Brexit.
Quayside Pharmacy
An advert for Greggs’ all-day coffee, reading “Every Hour’s Happy”.
Is it, Greggs? Is it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hHSH9sJUEo
Leafy trees and paths cover another brick flat.
A diagram of the flat of St Ann’s Close has been vandalised with a hammer and sickle, a blurred-out website link, and “1312”.
There’s a lot of commie graffiti scattered along this road, though all of it seems to be by the same person — you can tell because they can’t draw a hammer and sickle.
Walls upon walls absolutely covered with artisan graffiti.
Bloody showoffs. (That reminds me — i have a massive unpublished gallery post of a walk down the full length of the Ouseburn, but never did get around to finishing it… maybe soon?)
Your author’s hand holds a nice ice cream.
The most important meal of the day.ϛ
A ticket to see “Top Gun: Maverick” at the Tyneside Cinema.
I’ve decided to join the Sea Org and give my life’s savings to the military-industrial complex. (In all seriousness, it was a bloody brilliant film — everything a blockbuster should be!)

Walking down e-memory lane

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Sometimes i like to go back in the Wayback Machine and take a trip down memory lane, and see how this place has evolved as i hone my HTML-craft — especially pertinent given the forest’s rapidly approaching fifth birthday. I thought you might like to take a look as well.

2019 vs. 2022
2020 vs. 2022
2020/2021 vs. 2022
2020 vs. 2022
2019 to 2022. (Older revisions have since been lost to time.)

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume VIII

· Tagged as links, Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · Leave a comment
Twelve statuettes of everyone’s favourite cartoon cat, Garfield, themed after the twelve signs of the zodiac.
Pic unrelated.

Is it really almost June? Good heavens, it’s been a while. Here’s your regular dose of links, to help you surf the inter-webs.

Photos from around Lower Northumberland

¡ Tagged as Bedlington, Morpeth, Northumberland, photos, Tyne and Wear ¡ Leave a comment
A building demolition in progress around a busy intersection.

It’s the end of an era in Newcastle, however short it was, as the temporary shipping container food court–cum–public square–cum–shopping centre Stack comes down after three years. The former site of an Odeon cinema was set to be turned into a mixed-use development, but the pandemic caused a change of direction from the developers. The plans have since been slimmed down to just comprise what lockdown proved was truly, 100% necessary:

Offices.

A grassy path surrounded by bright green bushes and trees and a clear cerulean sky.

You’d never guess it, but this luscious green path (carefully cropped so that you don’t see the yawning gravel service road behind the camera) is on the former site of a colliery in Bedlington. There’s not much left to see — the neighbouring pit town was bulldozed in the ’70s, and the farmers have done a bang-up job of hiding any traces of the mines that lie underneath.

An old-fashioned railway station.

After 2.3 million pounds and a skyscraper’s worth of scaffolding, Morpeth’s central station has finally been restored to its former Georgian glory, red fences and all. The locals will be pleased to know that Lumo, a sparkly new Ryanair-ified third-class train service from Edinburgh to London, have no choice but to stop here thanks to a sharp bend in the track.

A crackpot theory about the song “Creep”

¡ Tagged as LGBT, music, Radiohead ¡ 1 comment

Alright, hear me out: Radiohead’s “Creep” is about gender dysphoria.

This is a crackpot theory, of course — none of the members of the band have ever even suggested that they might be transgendered, and if they did Jonny might have something to say about it. But it just makes sliiightly too much sense.

The chorus is about ostracisation from society, and the feeling that one doesn’t belong in spaces of one’s gender (take the whole bathroom debacle). There are more thematic hints in the first two stanzas — “You’re just like an angel / Your skin makes me cry” — but the real smoking gun is the third verse:

I don’t care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Do I even need to spell it out? “Creep” is the trans anthem of the 1990s and noöne will ever convince me otherwise.

I remember

¡ Tagged as life, nostalgia, repost, the Netherlands ¡ Leave a comment

This is a repost from the now-deleted old archives of the blog, originally posted on the ninth of February, 2021. I thought of doing it up as its own page, like the article about our Christmas tradition, but it seemed wrong — this is capturing a very specific moment in my (and everyone’s) life, and it would be gauche to put such an emotional rant on the front page.

I remember watching grown-ups’ TV late at night on the sofa in Oma and Opa’s caravan, nestled between them, a tiny TV in the corner, subtitles on, those black circles with the advisory ratings.

I remember watching us lose to Spain, watching crime dramas and not understanding a thing, i remember just being there, the inflatable pool waiting outside for tomorrow, the sofa unfolding itself into a bed. The smell of kitty litter in the toilet, the view outside, the jar of sweets, my bedroom decorated on the walls with maps, like the one under the desk at their house of the 12 provinces, those big books, that one of shape-sjablonen, that maths puzzle book for five-year-olds, the decorated plate, the chicken schnitzel, the horrid smell of their fish dinner, jumping on the trampoline, chlorinating my eyes in the pool, the gravel road, the endless journeys in.

I remember the tacky ceramics, the awful internet back then, falling through the chair (ow!) while browsing Coolmath.com on Windows XP, messing with Paint Shop Pro 8, Internet Explorer 7… me always taking down the ‘For Sale’ sign in the window, that little book of the planets and stars, i think there was one about seasonal plants.

I remember them moving the caravan from Schagen to Ede. I remember going to Deventer and meeting that family who lived on a boat (the girl was nice).

I remember Papa’s house, i remember the blackboard where i learned the passcode — 0420 — to an iPod i acquired at far too young an age, i remember that time i sat inside watching videos instead of going outside in the sun, the Chocomel, the Wokkels, that frog-shaped bowl, those letter-shaped stamps op zolder, Opa’s model railway. I remember that tiny “bathtub”, i remember Oma’s scrapbook, her Scooby-Doo plush, i remember watching Finding Nemo over and over, the pond, the playground, the train station, how much the giant robot at Nemo creeped me out, Mouse Paint, that board book teaching me how to tie knots, Corpus, that weird video from the library with the wireframe man, trying in vain to find that specific top-ten episode of Garfield & Friends on Windows Media Centre, that elephant thing at the preschool fundraiser, that kid who would only drink orange juice out of a specific blue cup, my first day at school, watching Nieuws uit de natuur then going home early on Wednesdays, fighting with Nuri over who got to keep the paper Einstein doll we made, founding a country with Emiel, not understanding Ewout’s Pokémon references, the trip to Aeolus, that time a teacher went to go on a pilgrimage along the Way of St. James, de Speelhoorn, de Waterhoorn, toasties, poffertjes, the pick-and-mix at Kruidvat, the climbing frame–treehouse–sandpit thing in the back garden, the stoomtram to Medemblik, visiting the Zuiderzee Museum on a snowy day, swimming lessons, going to Hema for a sausage roll afterwards, accidentally pressing ‘stop’ on the escalator, Cars 2 being the first film i ever saw at the cinema, Fristi, ads for ‘Taxi’ soft drink (never had it), curly fries at Burger King (how i wish they had those over here), the paintings around the house, Papa’s exercise bike in the attic, him playing trance music in the car…

I remember crying when i found out me and Mama were moving back to the UK.

I gave a PowerPoint presentation about Eurovision on my last day of school. I cried as everyone filed out of the classroom. Both because of me leaving, and because i’d made a mistake in it.

They gave me this little booklet as a farewell gift. It’s bound up in a cover of the solar system. Everyone in the class made a little something for it.

I don’t know where it is, and i can’t bear to look at it.

It’s been a year and a half since i last went for a visit. I’ll probably have to skip this year too.

Ik wil naar huis.

Three years now… and i never got to say goodbye to my grandfather. See you on the other side, opa.