Hey, kid, wanna hear a secret? Don’t tell anyone i told you this, but i’ve got some Secret Links for
you. This isn’t your usual weekly shit — these are the links i’m saving for the big satyrs dot ee
you slash linkroll. Deluxe links. Gourmet, even. Straight from my “Work (Copy 3) (final)” folder.
I think Morbius might legitimately be the worst film i’ve ever seen on the big screen. The
basic idea has potential, and for the first 15 minutes or so, i was cautiously optimistic — but then
it all gets smothered by a mountain of pure gobshite and some of the worst dialogue ever put to
screen.i
Non-techies, you can safely ignore this post and go on with your day. But, tech people, if you’re
still reading… a little help for an ignorant soul, please? 😅
I’m planning to add a comment section to the main part of my website. The problem is, of course,
that i’ve barely ever touched PHP and Sql before, let alone tried to make something like a comment
system, and as such, i have no fucking idea what i’m doing.
I’ve got a design figured out — see above — and a rough idea of what the database will look like:
postId: Integer, generated by adding some random digits to the end of a Unix timestamp
timestamp: Integer, just a Unix timestamp of when the comment was submitted
commentLocation: Unicode string, max. 32 chars?, indicating on which comments section the
comment was posted
displayName: Unicode, max. 128 chars?, is what it says on the can
emailAddress: Unicode, max. 128 chars?, used to generate the avatar via Gravatar and maybe
filter spam if it comes to that
website: Unicode, max. 128 chars?, used to… link to the commenter’s website
commentText: Unicode, max. 4096 chars?, the actual text of the comment; will be processed as a
subset of Markdown
planet: Unicode, max. 16 chars?, any comment for which the response isn't earth will
get thrown out
So, erm… any suggestions? Improvements? Ways of not getting my site hacked? Polite ways of telling
me that this was a terrible idea? are welcome in the comments below.
“Hello, Spotify? I’d like to listen to Green Day’s ‘Normal Idiot’.” [maniacal laughter]
I had some time to kill after buying my mam a present from Tynemouth’s station market and decided to
spend it by taking a walk in the golden hours of the day, now that spring is coming around and the
weather isn’t quite so permanently miserable. I thought i might show you some photos.
These are not the warm, jade waters of the Mediterranean — the North Sea is (usually) grim,
cold, and trying to kill you.
St Mary’s Lighthouse, off the coast between Seaton Sluice and Whitley Bay. Fond memories of many
a school trip.
Oh shit i took both pills and now i’m stuck in the Bench Dimension
I went to see everyone’s favourite synth-pop act Chvrches a few nights back, and i must say they put
on a hell of a show. Even at the
City Hall — quite a stuffy venue by
most standards — the crowd went absolutely mental for “Clearest Blue” at the end! (I
barely know what came over me.)
Great staging, too — i counted three costume changes throughout the night, including a delectably
bloody “FINAL GIRL” shirt for the encore. (Their latest album has a
horror-movie gimmick crafted entirely to let them swap remixes1 with John
Carpenter — not that i’m complaining.)
Now imagine the same distorted whingeing and generic melody for half an hour straight.
The opening act were an Ozzie band called HighSchool who, being brutally honest, should go back to
PrimarySchool. They’re one of those acts that basically only know how to write one song over and
over, and it’s alright at first, but by take number five of the same sludge you’re praying for it to
end, you know? (See also the inexplicably successful 1975 cover band Pale Waves.)
9/10, would stand in line for several hours again.
Well, i don’t know about you, but i’ve had a nice few weeks. Went to see the new Batman at the
cinema, bought some records, went out on a couple of jaunts — you get the idea. Anyway. Links.
I was on my usual city constitutional the other week when i noticed that
my favourite bubble tea place1 had
shuttered. Hm, that’s odd, i thought.
Last time that happened was lockdown. Don’t know why they’d do it again. I assumed they’d
be back again swiftly, and went on with my day.
Then the week after i noticed that the entrance to the
über-hip shipping-container food court of which it was a
part was blocked off. Hm, that’s odd, i thought.
Ah, well. It’s probably just construction. These things happen all the time.
It was only yesterday that i saw the crane lifting one of the shipping containers away and realised
something (other than the container) was up. Sure enough, one quick google reveals the flashy new
development that’ll be taking its place — originally it was going to be
mixed-use, but covid crunch caused them to scale back to the thing that covid really, conclusively proved
was absolutely 100% necessary and in demand, definitely:
offices.
“Pilgrim’s Quarter” is part of a broader redevelopment of the neglected Pilgrim Street, which may or
may not include a pedestrianisation — i don’t know; it’s all in jargonese and i can’t make heads or
tails of what Enhancing The Public Realm is meant to mean. (Or, for that matter, why they’ve
misspelt it as “Pilgrim’s Quater” on the official brochure.)
The permission slips are all in place — so here’s to you, Stack. You might have had some exorbitant
prices (sorry, Korean place, but i’m not paying £12 for a few chicken wings and fries), but
otherwyze you were a shining beacon of small businesses in the city centre — you were too good for
this world. *Pops open a bottle of champagne*
Kevin Kelly, ex-editor of the Whole Earth Catalog and founder of Wired, brings us
“The Big Here Quiz”, a 30(+4)-question
test of how well you know your local area. I thought i’d give it a shot. Mr Kelly says he’s
“extremely interested in hearing from anyone who scores a 26 or better on the quiz on their first
unassisted-by-Google try”, which absolutely does not include me. You’ve got to learn these
things somehow…
Point north.
Easily done — that’s what a lifetime of staring at maps and stargazing will do!
What time is sunset today?
My intial guess was twenty past five; Google helpfully confirms that i was off by only
five minutes.
Trace the water you drink from rainfall to your tap.
My local water company’s water is primarily sourced from the Kielder reservoir, in the
Northumbrian outback — i’ll confess i’m not entirely sure what system of pipes brings it
to my house…
When you flush, where do the solids go? What happens to the waste water?
There are several sewage treatment works near my house; could be any one of them. (The
local water company’s website is
hopelessly vague about what
happens to the wastewater — perhaps i should have paid more attention in school.)
How many feet (meters) above sea level are you?
My intial guess was in the vicinity of 15 metres — hopelessly far off. The actual figure
was more like fifty!
What spring wildflower is consistently among the first to bloom here?
No idea. (The Woodlands Trust helpfully informs me that primroses appear as early as
December when the winter is mild.)
How far do you have to travel before you reach a different watershed? Can you draw the
boundaries of yours?
I couldn’t draw the boundaries, but the next town over is in a different watershed
basically any way i travel.
Is the soil under your feet, more clay, sand, rock or silt?
Clayey — oh, so clayey.
Before your tribe lived here, what did the previous inhabitants eat and how did they sustain
themselves?
The question strikes me as a little Amerocentric — should i just ask my Welsh friend
what he had for breakfast? (And, in any case, since i’m half immigrant, who exactly are
the previous inhabitants? The Normans? The Anglo-Saxons? Romans? Celts?)
Name five native edible plants in your neighborhood and the season(s) they are available.
Garlic, from summer to early autumn.
Blackcurrants, in summer. (Banned in America!)
Blackberries, from August to September.
This is about where my limited knowledge runs out.
From what direction do storms generally come?
The southwest.
Where does your garbage go?
Landfill, mostly. (A quick Google reveals many landfill sites nearby, mostly owned by
Suez.)
How many people live in your watershed?
I have a right to privacy, Kevin.
Who uses the paper/plastic you recycle from your neighborhood?
I should hope myself. I’d be a bit peeved if it all just gets shipped off to the Gambia
or somewhere like that.
Point to where the sun sets on the equinox. How about sunrise on the summer solstice?
You’re not going to believe this, but i can, in fact, point to the west. (Some tinkering
about with Stellarium informs me that the sun
rises almost due northeast on the solstice.)
Where is the nearest earthquake fault? When did it last move?
Iceland, i would imagine. It’s constantly moving, but the last tectonic activity that
reached the British ear was the eruption of
Eyjafjallajökull.
Right here, where you are, how deep do you have to drill before you reach water?
No idea.
Which (if any) geological features in your watershed are, or were, especially respected by your
community, or considered sacred, now or in the past?
Taking “watershed” more broadly, the river Tyne was and is quite highly regarded. The
Duddo Five Stones have
expansive views of the Cheviots. The Tyne Valley is home to Hadrian’s wall — dotted with
temples and such for Roman soldiers — and the oft-photographed
Sycamore Gap tree.
How many days is the growing season here (from frost to frost)?
No idea — after some research, it’s about 280 days… which is a full month longer than it
was thirty years ago. Probably not a great sign.
Name five birds that live here. Which are migratory and which stay put?
Kittiwakes (migratory; the bastards have colonised the Tyne Bridge and made the whole
quayside smell of bird cack), robins (stay put), common ravens (stay put), barn owls
(stay put), tawny owls (stay put).
What was the total rainfall here last year?
I’m no statistician, mate… (It was about 690 millimetres.)
Where does the pollution in your air come from?
Petrol emissions and the occasional blast of dust from the Sahara, though one presumes
coal once made up a greater part.
If you live near the ocean, when is high tide today?
No idea, at first — my 2022 Almanac tells me it was at about 4 p.m.
What primary geological processes or events shaped the land here?
I know about the geological history of the Channel and the Scottish Highlands, but my
earthlore regarding the north east is dreadfully lacking. Something something Pennines?
Name three wild species that were not found here 500 years ago. Name one exotic species that has
appeared in the last 5 years.
Grey squirrels, murder hornts, and Japanese knotweed. In today’s globalised world,
exotic species aren’t very — but perhaps the pet otter trade has driven up the numbers
for Aonyx cinereus.
What minerals are found in the ground here that are (or were) economically valuable?
Garlic, new cars, citrus, crackling firewood, manure*
C
Glue, bleach, paint, coffee, one’s own body odour
D
Manure*, wet dogs, other people’s body odour, cannabis, exhaust fumes
F
Cigarette smoke1, rotten eggs, cat piss, human waste
* Manure is in a curious superposition where it could probably occupy every tier at once.
On one hand, it smells like shit (because it is), but after so long living in the country, i
can’t help but find it refreshing to the senses. It’s the smell of having escaped the city —
the smell of Demeter!
Hello. I’ve done some things in the past month and a half. They were alright.
Films watched
Miranda July’s Kajillionaire: watched on a whim as part of my local art-house cinema’s “best of 2020” programme. A soppy
gay kiss and a solitary touching scene can’t save this film from its own worst tendencies, with
irritatingly quirky characters, jokes so dry they don’t deserve to be called “humour”, and a
flat, unemotional lead. (D)
Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2003): Man sure does like his
feet. (A)
Marvel’s Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021): I can’t be a cynic about this
— it’s just plain fun from start to finish. Willem Dafoe and Andrew Garfield absolutely steal
the show, almost making up for the former’s goofy mask and the latter’s abysmal Spider-flicks.
Some of that CGI was a bit dodgy, though, wasn’t it? (B+)
The Wachowskis’ The Matrix Reloaded (2003): I’m going to say it: i
enjoyed it more than the first one! Is it a better film? I don’t know about that. But
it takes itself so seriously while being so unabashedly goofy that i can’t help but fall in love
with it. Where else can you find PS2 Keanu fighting hundreds of Hugo
Weavings in the same film as a monologue about the meaning of free will? (A-)
The Wachowskis’ The Matrix Revolutions (2003): This one, on the other
hand, did the worst thing a film can do. It bored me — which you’d think wouldn’t be possible
given its massive scale. (D+)
Lana Wachowski’s The Matrix Resurrections (2021): Finally, the film i
binge-watched the other three to see. I appreciate what it was trying to do, and some of the
worldbuilding was fascinating, but as much as i want to like it, it just falls flat on its face
everywhere else. Hugo Weaving’s tech-bro replacement is a poor fit for the job. The action is
just plain awful, and the dialogue isn’t much better (Lana, please log off).
The best part about it was the cut-ins from the original film. Sorry, Ms Wachowski, but i think
i’ll be taking the blue pill. (C-)
Jason Reitman’s Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021): It’s a cynical
cash-grab any way you slice it, sure. It’s less of a sequel to the original film and more a
sequel to a parallel, schmaltzier Spielbergian version of it which never existed. There’s a
character called “Podcast.” But… i enjoyed it! It recaptures the spark of those classic eighties
kids’ films — The Goonies, E.T., &c. — in a way that’s been
sorely missing for the last decade. (B)
Spoilers
Not sure how i feel about the ethics of CGI Harold Ramis,
mind…
Things which are not films
📺 Adult Swim’s Smiling Friends (2021): I have no idea what this
absolutely deranged cartoon is, but i would like three more seasons and a movie greenlit
immediately, thank you very much. (A)
📺 The BBC’s
Around the World in 80 Days (2021): Just not my thing, i’m afraid. (E)
🎮 Josh Wardle’s Wordle (2021): A nice way to unpick my brain at the
start of the day. (C+)
📚 Mary Roach’s Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers (2003): I
was very much enjoying my copy, which i had received as a Christmas gift, until i misplaced it…
somewhere? It is, one presumes, now in the same dimension where all the socks and pens
go.
💿 Talking Heads’ Speaking in Tongues (1983): Picked this classic up
at Beatdown. “This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody)”
may just be the greatest song ever written. (A)
🏞️ Gæa’s Ouseburn (4.5 billion
BCE), with assistance from Lord Armstrong and T. Dan Smith: The
finest place for a walk in Newcastle, if i do say so myself. I’ve been working on a post for
ages about all the nuances of it, but, alas, the heavy writer’s block sits unmoving on my
keyboard. (A+)
Other recent minutiæ
Your author’s pinky finger was recently intimately acquainted with the inside of an antiseptic
wipe dispenser, and she had to go to A&E to get it
fixed.i Not my proudest moment.
Home-made flatbread. Need i say more?
Gods bless whoever’s been sticking up all those anti-anti-vax stickers. They’re
fighting the good fight! “It’s not Covid-1984.”
I don’t mean to be a cynic, but something about the concept of a “zero-waste shop” does strike
me as a little oxymoronic… and if not that, then at least a bad business model.
Newbiggin-by-the-Sea: it’s okay™!
