The GardenDespatches from The Satyrs’ Forest

Page 12

Een tierlijst van geuren, aroma’s, en stanken

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S Lavendel, kaneel, vers gemaaid gras
A Vanille, oude boeken, nieuwe boeken, buitenlucht
B Knoflook, nieuwe auto’s, citrusvruchten, knisperend brandhout, mest*
C Lijm, bleek, verf, koffie, je eigen lichaamsgeur
D Mest*, natte honden, lichaamsgeur van anderen, cannabis, uitlaatgassen
F Sigarettenrook, rotte eieren, kattenpis, menselijke uitwerpselen

* Mest zit in een superpositie waarin het alle tiers tegelijk zou kunnen bezetten — aan de ene kant stinkt het naar stront (omdat het dat ook is), maar na zo lang op het platteland te hebben gewoond, kan ik niet anders dan het verfrissend vinden voor de zintuigen. Het is de geur van het ontsnappen aan de stad - de geur van Demeter!

Smells tier list

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S Lavender, cinnamon, freshly-mown grass
A Vanilla, old books, new books, “the outdoors”
B Garlic, new cars, citrus, crackling firewood, manure*
C Glue, bleach, paint, coffee, one’s own body odour
D Manure*, wet dogs, other people’s body odour, cannabis, exhaust fumes
F Cigarette smoke1, rotten eggs, cat piss, human waste

* Manure is in a curious superposition where it could probably occupy every tier at once. On one hand, it smells like shit (because it is), but after so long living in the country, i can’t help but find it refreshing to the senses. It’s the smell of having escaped the city — the smell of Demeter!

The increasingly irregular monthly recap, “Fuck you, it’s February!” edition

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Keanu Reeves as Neo stares into the Wordle Dimension

Hello. I’ve done some things in the past month and a half. They were alright.

Films watched

  • Miranda July’s Kajillionaire: watched on a whim as part of my local art-house cinema’s “best of 2020” programme. A soppy gay kiss and a solitary touching scene can’t save this film from its own worst tendencies, with irritatingly quirky characters, jokes so dry they don’t deserve to be called “humour”, and a flat, unemotional lead. (D)
  • Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2003): Man sure does like his feet. (A)
  • Marvel’s Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021): I can’t be a cynic about this — it’s just plain fun from start to finish. Willem Dafoe and Andrew Garfield absolutely steal the show, almost making up for the former’s goofy mask and the latter’s abysmal Spider-flicks. Some of that CGI was a bit dodgy, though, wasn’t it? (B+)
  • The Wachowskis’ The Matrix Reloaded (2003): I’m going to say it: i enjoyed it more than the first one! Is it a better film? I don’t know about that. But it takes itself so seriously while being so unabashedly goofy that i can’t help but fall in love with it. Where else can you find PS2 Keanu fighting hundreds of Hugo Weavings in the same film as a monologue about the meaning of free will? (A-)
  • The Wachowskis’ The Matrix Revolutions (2003): This one, on the other hand, did the worst thing a film can do. It bored me — which you’d think wouldn’t be possible given its massive scale. (D+)
  • Lana Wachowski’s The Matrix Resurrections (2021): Finally, the film i binge-watched the other three to see. I appreciate what it was trying to do, and some of the worldbuilding was fascinating, but as much as i want to like it, it just falls flat on its face everywhere else. Hugo Weaving’s tech-bro replacement is a poor fit for the job. The action is just plain awful, and the dialogue isn’t much better (Lana, please log off). The best part about it was the cut-ins from the original film. Sorry, Ms Wachowski, but i think i’ll be taking the blue pill. (C-)
  • Jason Reitman’s Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021): It’s a cynical cash-grab any way you slice it, sure. It’s less of a sequel to the original film and more a sequel to a parallel, schmaltzier Spielbergian version of it which never existed. There’s a character called “Podcast.” But… i enjoyed it! It recaptures the spark of those classic eighties kids’ films — The Goonies, E.T., &c. — in a way that’s been sorely missing for the last decade. (B)
    Spoilers

    Not sure how i feel about the ethics of CGI Harold Ramis, mind…

Things which are not films

  • 📺 Adult Swim’s Smiling Friends (2021): I have no idea what this absolutely deranged cartoon is, but i would like three more seasons and a movie greenlit immediately, thank you very much. (A)
  • 📺 The BBC’s Around the World in 80 Days (2021): Just not my thing, i’m afraid. (E)
  • 🎮 Josh Wardle’s Wordle (2021): A nice way to unpick my brain at the start of the day. (C+)
  • 📚 Mary Roach’s Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers (2003): I was very much enjoying my copy, which i had received as a Christmas gift, until i misplaced it… somewhere? It is, one presumes, now in the same dimension where all the socks and pens go.
  • 💿 Talking Heads’ Speaking in Tongues (1983): Picked this classic up at Beatdown. “This Must Be the Place (NaĂŻve Melody)” may just be the greatest song ever written. (A)
  • 🏞️ GĂŚa’s Ouseburn (4.5 billion BCE), with assistance from Lord Armstrong and T. Dan Smith: The finest place for a walk in Newcastle, if i do say so myself. I’ve been working on a post for ages about all the nuances of it, but, alas, the heavy writer’s block sits unmoving on my keyboard. (A+)

Other recent minutiĂŚ

  • Your author’s pinky finger was recently intimately acquainted with the inside of an antiseptic wipe dispenser, and she had to go to A&E to get it fixed.i Not my proudest moment.
  • Home-made flatbread. Need i say more?
  • Gods bless whoever’s been sticking up all those anti-anti-vax stickers. They’re fighting the good fight! “It’s not Covid-1984.”
A shop in a crowded market: Nil Living / Zero Waste and Refill Shop / Newcastle-upon-Tyne
I don’t mean to be a cynic, but something about the concept of a “zero-waste shop” does strike me as a little oxymoronic… and if not that, then at least a bad business model.
A beach fades into the distance under cloudy skies
Newbiggin-by-the-Sea: it’s okay™!

Leaked: 10 Downing Street’s playlist

¡ Tagged as highly serious posts, music, politics ¡ 1 comment

One of the more surprising results of the recent investigation into Big Boris’s lockdown conduct was the unearthing of a playlist used to motivate employees during their completely ordinary work events. Highlights include:

  • Miley Cyrus - Regular Work Event in the U.S.A.,
  • Vengaboys - We Like to Engage in Normal Work Proceedings,
  • Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want to Become Civil Servants,
  • Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Productive in the Office,
  • Avicii - Waiting For The Results Of The Independent Investigation And Report Conducted By Sue Gray,
  • Walk the Moon - Dance then Shut Up, and, of course,
  • Shaggy - It Wasn’t Me

This list of songs, no doubt, absolves the government of any kind of wrongdoing.

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume IV

· Tagged as links, Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · Leave a comment

I fucked up my fingers prying open a Yankee Candle too hard the other day. At least it was my off hand. Anyway. Links!

Playlist suggestions wanted

¡ Tagged as music ¡ 3 comments

Spurred on by a brief shower thought, i’ve tried my hand at making a playlist “for the bad days”: songs (mostly rock) with big, soaring crescendos that feel like an out-of-body experience. Your “Bitter Sweet Symphonies”, your „Hoppípollas”, your “‘Heroes’-es” — the songs that make you have faith in humanity, and make you not want to jump out of a thirtieth-storey window so badly.

I’ve been asking around for suggestions on the usual (Discord) channels, and have got some cracking songs in return — so, do any of you want to try your hands at it? I’d love to hear your ideas. :-)

Here’s the current set of songs on the playlist, to give you an idea of the general “vibes” — exceptional examples are highlighted in bold.

  • The 1975, “I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)”
  • Bleachers, “Rollercoaster”
  • Arcade Fire, “My Body Is a Cage” (thx, Pike)
  • David Bowie, “‘Heroes’”
  • Kate Bush, “Cloudbusting”
  • Coldplay, “Viva La Vida”
  • Daft Punk, “Giorgio by Moroder”
  • Elbow, “One Day Like This”
  • Sam Fender, “The Dying Light”
  • Fun; “Some Nights”
  • Keane, “Somewhere Only We Know”
  • LCD Soundsystem, “Dance Yrself Clean”
  • The Naked and Famous, “Higher”
  • Oasis, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”
  • Oasis, “Champagne Supernova”
  • Radiohead, “All I Need”
  • Radiohead, “Videotape” (live at Bonnaroo)
  • Porter Robinson, “Unfold”
  • Sigur RĂłs, „HoppĂ­polla”
  • Snow Patrol, “Chasing Cars”
  • Suede, “Life is Golden” (thx, Pike)
  • Tame Impala, “Let It Happen”
  • The Verve, “Bitter Sweet Symphony”
  • The War on Drugs, “I Don’t Live Here Anymore”
  • The White Stripes, “Seven Nation Army”
  • The Who, “Baba O’Riley”

Thanks, Ms Bigot

¡ Tagged as LGBT, life ¡ Leave a comment

I saw an awful transphobic sticker on my daily constitutional the other day. I shan’t bother repeating the exact contents, because the sad sack who made it really doesn’t need more exposure, but it was just the usual “biological wombyn won’t wheesht!!!” crap. Yi kna the type.

At first it got me down, as it probably would any sane person. But then i thought — Whoever made that sticker, their bigoted views are now so unpopular, so marginalised, that they’ve had to resort to plastering stickers everywhere: the last resort of covid-conspiracy cranks, climate ostriches, football hooligans, and a number of others whose views are utterly unacceptable in polite company.

We might not be there yet as far as the law is concerned — lord knows people still have to jump through an ungodly number of hoops just to change a letter on their passport — but socially, it’s a good sign that the Inexorable March of Progress™ is continuing as planned.

Anyway. That’s how a nasty bigot made my day.

Update: sidenotes are back!

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It’s a meta one, this; you can safely ignore this post if you’re just here for the trudges through increasingly-obscure north-eastern locations and hauls of links to websites which aren’t this one.

That being said, sidenotesi are now back and functioning again! My apologies for the delay.

Your regularly scheduled programming will be resuming soon, with a walk down a stream which turns into an unexpected microcosm of local history. I’m sure all the Americans in my audience are thrilled.

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume III

· Tagged as Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · 1 comment

New year, new me, new site name, new links. You know the drill; here’s the internet’s finest content, scavenged, foraged, and brought to you by yours truly.

My favourite things of 2021

¡ Tagged as annual recaps ¡ 2 comments

2021 has come and gone, and i dare say it was a fucking relief compared to the previous year. Yes, it was still a bit shit in parts, but overall, vaccination rates are up, restrictions are down, that awful man is no longer president of the United States, and poverty’s probably down again i don’t know i haven't checked. Here are some of the things that made me happy last year (in no particular order).

Music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SZEDBFPpgw

I’m not usually the EDM type — too much meaningless soulless wub-wub for my taste — but Porter Robinson’s Nurture brings some much-needed heart to the genre. So much of it resonated with me and helped me get through some tough times, be it “Get Your Wish’s” finding a reason to keep moving forward, “Mirror’s” teardown of anxious thoughts, or “Musician’s” struggles with creativity. Cheers, Mr Robinson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAifgn2Cvo8

I’m a Geordie boygirl born and raised, so i was predisposed to enjoy the new Sam Fender record, Seventeen Going Under— there’s a reason he’s already done two sold-out arena shows in Newcastle, after all. This album was the perfect companion to my walks throughout the region (more on those later); representing the north-east in all its many facets, from deprivation and government neglect to a proud history and modern culture.

“Aye” is like a supercharged, upgraded version of the frankly embarrassing “White Privilege” from his last album — think that “Daniel vs the cooler Daniel” meme; “Spit of You” brings me back to memories of my family in the Netherlands, and makes me wish i’d appreciated them more; Not to mention the final track, “The Dying Light”, which shows Mr Fender at his most Springsteen, tugging at heartstrings with a soaring anti-suicide power-ballad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xjD7KbxgGQ

Wolf Alice’s third record, Blue Weekend, shows them at their anthemic, genre-fluid best. It opens with “The Beach”, which soars to highs so high you’d think they’d never top them — but the quality is so consistent throughout that it’s hard for me to pick out just a few. “How Can I Make It OK?” is an enchanting throwback about feeling unable to care for a loved one; towards the back of the album, the thrashing “Play the Greatest Hits” and emotional “The Last Man on Earth” feel completely at home together, despite only having a single track between them.

Some honourable mentions go to Chvrches, Silk Sonic, and Will Wood, all of whom have produced some bloody brilliant music in the past year.

Film and television

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqS1hviOsI4

It might not have been the best film of the year — or even the best superhero film of the year, for that matter — but my pick for my favourite film this year can hardly go to anything other than James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad, simply by the merit of being the first film i saw in cinemas since Þe Before Times. It’s raucous, gorey fun which i wouldn’t have experienced any other way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRrhXjH1M70

Independent of viewing-place — and you know this is true because i watched it on my computer — i’d say the best film of the past year would have to be Censor, a stylish indie horror from first-time director Prano Bailey-Bond. Set in the shadow of the “video nasty” panic, this moody mystery takes its time — but it’s worth every second.

Shawn Levy’s Free Guy was unapologetically shlocky, but i had fun with it, even if i did roll my eyes when that scene at the end happened (yi kna the one). I enjoyed Pig, with Nicolas Cage — check out the restaurant scene. Dune was the most gorgeous thing i’ve ever had the privilege of seeing on the big screen. The French Dispatch is Wes Anderson at his Andersonianest, and you’ll either love it or hate it — one thing we can all agree on, though, is that Jeffrey Wright should be the voice of every audiobook. Capping off the year was Spider-Man: No Way Home; of which, despite me having never seen any of his films, Andrew Garfield was absolutely the best part.α

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urrhPYLP-eI

I didn’t watch much TV this year, but what i did watch i rather enjoyed. Inside №9 was the absolute highlight; a distressingly bingeable horror-comedy-drama-thing anthology series with big names and bigger twists. So hard to pick, but my favourite episodes, if you want to start somewhere, are “The Riddle of the Sphinx”, “The Devil of Christmas”, “A Quiet Night In”, and the delightfully meta live special.

Dark is a brilliant German time-travel twisty-mystery with a ridiculously talented casting department and (thank the heavens) an actually satisfying conclusion that keeps you going all along the ride. Go in blind — you’ll regret it if you don’t!

I finally got around to watching Chernobyl, too, and it was just as good as everyone said it was. More effective horror than anything James Wan’s ever made, that’s for sure!

The “real world”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eD0ELfiZyNk

On the last day of 2020, i wrote up some predictions for 2021 — and one of them was that live sports and concerts would remain off limits until at least 2022. How happy i was to be proven wrong when i got dragged to an Elbow gig one September night. Guy Garvey, methinks, is one of the unsung heroes of Brit-pop/rock — so many artists have taken after Elbow, but they have a comparatively diminutive presence in the popular conscience compared to your Blurs, Oases, and Radioheads.

In more physical terms, this was the year i started (long December nights have gotten in the way of finishing it) my project to walk the Blyth and Tyne railway before it reopens, which has given me a fascinating look at the current fabric of this urbanised corner of Northumberland. I haven’t much more to say on that except that it’s been so, so lovely being able once more to get out and about more often — and ticking something off my bucket list too!

Well, that’s your lot. I’ve had a nice enough 2021 — i hope yours has been too.

Chrimbo updates

¡ Tagged as Christmas, computer games, life, meta, Minecraft ¡ Leave a comment

I’ve mentioned a number of Christmas traditions i keep up here in the past, and thought you all might have wanted some updates.

I, alas, lost the Pogues Game on the very first day — i was putting on “Driving Home for Christmas” and failed to notice that The Algorithm had queued the song of my nightmares up for me next. (I proceeded to lose again on the night before Christmas, this time at the hands of Bradley Walsh.)

You’ll be pleased to hear that our annual exchange of Christmas gifts on Minecraft went all according to plan this year. Someone built me a little shrine to do as i pleased with, which was quite nice of them.

Not pictured: the already-burnt Gävle goat.

Finally, i’ve added the annual haul of records to the database for your perusal… but mostly for my own reference. :-)

My predictions for 2022

¡ Tagged as predictions ¡ 3 comments

This post is also available as a fancy, proper done-up page on the main site.

Well, here we are again. 2021 is almost over, and it was better than 2020, thank… well, you should probably thank every God just to cover your bases and make sure it doesn’t happen again. (And the biologists, too. They have a vial of smallpox and they know how to use it!)

So. What do i think might happen in 2022? Well, here’s my list of predictions, in no particular order. Some of these i’m absolutely sure of; some of these are just a wild guess. I’ll come back at the end of the year and give each one a grade, from “aye” to “kinda” to “nah”.

🦠 The pandemic 💉

  • There will be no mask or distancing mandate in England by the autumn equinox. The “plan B” measures will likely be relaxed at some point in March — perhaps earlier if Tory backbenchers get too fed up.
  • The booster jab rollout will proceed unremarkably, as we all silently accept that we’re just going to have to treat covid like the ’flu now.
  • Australia will continue being paranoid, but New Zealand will slowly start reducing restrictions.

🦁 The United Kingdom 🦄

  • Queen Elizabeth will die. I say this every year, but i genuinely do think this will be the year — it’s not uncommon for widows to pass shortly after their spouses, and she’s been attending notably fewer public events recently. Some related predictions:
    • Her death will be after the Platinum Jubilee celebrations, simply by virtue of them being relatively early on in the year. Nevertheless, it’ll put something of a damper on the national mood.
    • Somebody famous will get sacked as a result of ill-advised commentary, probably from the BBC.
  • Boris Johnson will muddle along as prime minister despite intra-party discontent.
  • A terrorist attack of some kind will occur in Northern Ireland. Tensions have been rising for some time, and, though nobody wants it to happen, one can’t escape the feeling that it will.
  • In the local elections:
    • The Lib Dems will make gains, Labour will also make gains, but not as much, and the Reform Party and Ukip will backslide.
    • A refugee from Hong Kong will get elected to a local council. Just a feeling.
    • Someone who is neither male nor female will get elected to a relatively major position and the press will have a paddy over it.

🦅 The United States 🗽

  • The Democrats get absolutely pummelled in the midterms, as Biden’s popularity flags and roadblocks in the Senate prevent much from passing.
  • Donald Trump will have a major figure excommunicated from the Republican party, likely a potential 2024 candidate. Ron DeSantis? Mitch McConnell? Himself? Who knows!
  • Kyle Rittenhouse will run for Congress. This will somehow be the least stupid thing to happen in the United States in 2022.
  • Several people will die at the hands of a or many “QAnon” adherents. Mass bleach-drinking? Someone shoots up that pizza place again? We’ll have to wait and see.

🌍 The rest of the world 🌏

  • Xi Jinping will shit himself. Okay, not literally, but many world leaders will likely make efforts to distance themselves from the Chinese government.
    • A multinational company will close its offices in Hong Kong due to concerns about civil liberties.
  • Emmanuel Macron will be reĂŤlected as president of France.
  • The Notre Dame redesign plans will be quietly replaced with something more in keeping with the building’s historic layout.
  • Gay marriage will be legalised in another Asian or African country. We’re coming for you, Uganda! (It won’t be Uganda.)

📱 Technology (sorry) 💽

  • The “metaverse” will neither be a gigantic flop nor as big as its proponents hope. Some people will quietly adopt virtual office spaces, teenagers will get VR headsets for their birthday, and furries will continue being furries, but there will be no great revolution.
  • The NFT bubble will burst. Sorry, i mean, uh… the token that represents your claim of ownership to a jpeg of the NFT bubble will burst?
  • Someone will announce a mid-range or “budget” folding phone, opening the floodgates to more widespread adoption. Probably Xiaomi.

🎬 Entertainment 💿

  • Avatar 2 will bomb and possibly kill James Cameron’s career. Really: who on earth is actually excited by the idea of an Avatar sequel? Anyone? Literally anyone?
  • The year’s blockbusters will largely be fine. Nothing great, nothing terrible. Wow, another Marvel sequel? I’d have never guessed! That one where the moon crashes into the Earth might be good dumb fun.
  • Someone will drop the album of the decade. You hear those rumours about Kendrick Lamar?

Lords of Misrule 2021: “Dancing.png” (for lack of a proper title)

¡ Tagged as art, Lords of Misrule, Lords of Misrule 2021 ¡ 1 comment

As the solstice arrives, the week winds down, and the days begin once more to lengthen, it’s time for our final submission for this year’s Lords of Misrule. This one comes from an artist known only as Newt S. For the last time this year, Io Saturnalia!

In the style of an old carving (of some sort), a group of anthropomorphic animals (including a snake, fish, flamingo, and what i think is a hamster?) dance in a circle wearing traditional European ceremonial dress as the sun sets behind their forest clearing.

My sincerest thanks for everyone for participating this year. I wasn’t expecting a single submission, let alone five of the bloody things.