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âThere She Goesâ is such an addictive song.
I was bored the other day, so i thought iâd go see a film. The problem, my dear readers, is that i have this terribly unlucky habit: 70% of the time, when i go see a film at the cinema, itâs not very good â and i can confirm that Donât Worry Darling is, indeed, not very good.
If youâve heard anything about Donât Worry Darling, itâll be about the juicy, juicy behind-the-scenes drama, involving saucy affairs between director Olivia Wilde and the filmâs leading male star, an exasperated Chris Pine, and Shia LaBeouf. But weâre not going to be talking about any of that â instead, weâll be talking about the topic everyone is desperately avoiding: the movie itself. Oh dear.
The film boils down to a thin Truman Show pastiche following a troubled couple in an idyllic American suburb, wherein a 1950s housewife, imaginatively named Alice Warren, questions what her controlling husband, the inexplicably British Jack Chambers, actually does at his mysterious government job. The wonderful Florence Pugh, hot off of 2019âs Midsommar, gives her all with the script sheâs given as Alice, and is easily one of the standout parts of the film. Jack, on the other hand⌠Jack is played by Harry Styles, a man who should not act. (Every pop star nowadays seems to think they can walk the tightrope between music and cinema as easily as Lady Gaga does, and it never quite seems to work out for them.)
So, letâs put ourselves in Ms Wildeâs shoes. You have one common plot structure, one brilliant lead actress, and one so-so lead actor. How do you make this movie⌠good?
Well, first you load up the secondary cast with talented people. KiKi Lane and Chris Pine both absolutely kill it in their respective roles â Margaret, a troubled neighbour to Alice, and Frank, Jackâs hammy villainous boss â but neither character feels fully fleshed out; Mr Pine in particular finds himself with not much to do despite ostensibly being the driving force behind the plot.
You can also pour piles upon piles of money into your filmâs technical aspects. The quaint suburb in which Jack and Alice live is designed to within an inch of its life, and every shot is clear, crisp, and packed with colour while not being too overbearing â like a James Bond film or, if youâre being unkind, a perfume commercial.
Alright. Youâve got your cast, youâve got your style, now you just need to⌠ah, god, what was it? You look down at the smudged writing on your hand â ah, yes, the script! You have to write a script, with, like, a plot and stuff.
You wake up from a terrible dream. You are no longer Olivia Wilde. You are once again the handsome reader of the blog of an even handsomer webmixter, who politely informs you that the filmâs one-block-wide Jenga tower of a storyline, while it seemed to be setting up for an interesting conclusion, falls apart completely in the third act. The filmâs writers pull out every clichĂŠ in the book â âit was all in VR!â âour protagonistâs best friend was in on it!â âif you die in the game you die in real life!â â in the space of about ten minutes, with barely any of it given room to breathe. (In fact, that third revelation comes after a pivotal death scene.) Just as the audience wonders what impact this will have on the plot going forward, the film just⌠ends, with a distinctly unsatisfying resolution to our heroâs story, and an air of âwell why did they even bother?â about the villainous plot.
All in all, i really canât recommend watching Donât Worry Darling â perhaps catch it on streaming when it comes out if it piques your interest, but donât spend your heard-earned Lizzies on going to the cinema to watch Harry Styles gaslight his wife for an hour and a half. (5/10)
See How They Run is a fun, Wes Andersonâlite romp of a mystery story that gets in and out and does what it needs without making too much of a fuss about itself. Saoirse Ronan and Sam Rockwell drive around in a tiny blue â50s police car; what more could you possibly want? (7½/10)
The Woman King is a fine enough (alternate-)historical epic carried on the backs of some terrific performances by Thuso Mbedu and Viola Davis. (6/10)
I wasnât expecting to be so spellbound by a seventy-year-old drama film of a bunch of people talking in a room, but i absolutely could not take my eyes off of 12 Angry Men, which you should really just go watch right now. (9/10)
Iâve decided that HRT, and all other drugs and techniques which can be used to express oneâs right to freedom of form, should not only be available over-the-counter, but government-subsidised to ensure equal access for all.
I will not be elaborating at this time.
I have to say, it gets on my nerves when, on my regular surfing sessions across the high seas of the web, i see a cool-looking website⌠and then its only content is just about how much its creator misses Le Old Web before they invented capitalism or whatever.1
Thereâs certainly room for meta-puffery about the internet (i wouldnât have made this site what it is without Kicks Condor doing exactly that), but after a dozen sites in a row all moaning the same moan without an original insight in sight, it starts to get tired. Iâm begging you, just write about gardening or the Bible or Zootopia fanfiction or something!
What makes the free web beautiful is the sheer diversity in the topics covered and how peopleâs little idiosyncracies and quirks and interests shine through â it saddens me how most sites in the âold webâ (did it ever really go away?) revival movement are doing nothing but lamenting their own existence.
Pleased to say that the new 1975 album is indeed the greatest album ever made.
I was originally going to post this excerpt from William Shatnerâs new memoir, printed in Variety, alongside the usual link roundup, but something about it touched me enough to give it its own post.
Mr Shatner, in his own words, on his first trip to space:
I continued my self-guided tour and turned my head to face the other direction, to stare into space. I love the mystery of the universe. I love all the questions that have come to us over thousands of years of exploration and hypotheses. Stars exploding years ago, their light traveling to us years later; black holes absorbing energy; satellites showing us entire galaxies in areas thought to be devoid of matter entirely⌠all of that has thrilled me for years⌠but when I looked in the opposite direction, into space, there was no mystery, no majestic awe to behold ⌠all I saw was death.
I saw a cold, dark, black emptiness. It was unlike any blackness you can see or feel on Earth. It was deep, enveloping, all-encompassing. I turned back toward the light of home. I could see the curvature of Earth, the beige of the desert, the white of the clouds and the blue of the sky. It was life. Nurturing, sustaining, life. Mother Earth. Gaia. And I was leaving her.
[âŚ]It was among the strongest feelings of grief I have ever encountered. The contrast between the vicious coldness of space and the warm nurturing of Earth below filled me with overwhelming sadness. Every day, we are confronted with the knowledge of further destruction of Earth at our hands: the extinction of animal species, of flora and fauna ⌠things that took five billion years to evolve, and suddenly we will never see them again because of the interference of mankind. It filled me with dread. My trip to space was supposed to be a celebration; instead, it felt like a funeral.
Upon returning to earth, and trying to put his story into words for the first time, he was, as you may remember, bluntly cut off by Jeff Bezos, asking for more champagne:
I suppose itâs only fair that the first roundup of October is spooky number thirteen, and weâre starting things off with a suitably spooky link:
I recently bought 1000 imagesâ worth of credits on DreamStudio â a machine-learningÎą-powered art generator â on a whim and, after the requisite âBoris Johnson taking a bath of baked beansâ joke entries, i thought it would be an interesting test to get it to generate some images for my shrines (on- and offline).
My motivations were twofold: first, due to copyright constraints, all of the icons adorning these shrines were either old baroque paintings or freely-licenced photos of even older marble statues, which didnât necessarily represent my mental image of the Godsâ appearances â a topic which, of course, will vary massively from artist to artist and culture to culture. Second, i thought it would be a fascinating experiment to see how this machine learning algorithm, which has taken in hundreds upon thousands (perhaps millions; iâve not checked) of images, views the Gods in its latent space. Just as it has a prototypical idea of a âdogâ and a âcatâ, surely it also has one for âGodâ and âDionysosâ.
As is tradition, we begin this article with Hestia (although Her portrait was actually the final one to be generated). On the broad strokes, my computer collaborator knocked it out of the park â but a closer look reveals some glaring imperfections in the face and hands, a theme which weâll be seeing a lot of (and which i sometimes managed to harness to my advantage).
I should note that iâm not just feeding it theonyms with no added context: the programme works best if you help it along to your goal with a heaping of adjectives and descriptors, say, to tell it that this is indeed meant to be an artwork (â4K ultra HDâ, âtrending on ArtStationâ), the details of the pose and background you want (âblonde hairâ, âraising His hand to the skyâ), or the style and artists you want it to take from (âbaroque painting by Thomas Coleâ, a prominent painter of beautiful, well-lit landscapes). If you calibrate it just right, it can make some genuinely beautiful stuff, like the above picture of Apollon (which i did, admittedly, have to manually touch up to get rid of a prominent Habsburg chin).
It may be an immensely powerful tool, but DreamStudio can also be rather prudish.β It blurs out any images it thinks might contain the utterly offensive sight of the genitalia with which we are all born, which can be a real problem if the relevant pictures itâs learnt from are all Greek and Roman statues â not exactly works known for their nether modesty. The detection software isnât perfect, though, and sometimes, like in this portrait of GĂŚa, it lets a few slip past (perhaps because of the greenish tone with which i instructed itÎł to portray Her skin).
The algorithm sometimes has issues with more complex prompts, for it is just a machine, and doesnât actually understand that âball on top of a red boxâ means that the ball indeed should be on top of the box, as opposed to by its side, beneath it, or fused together in a horrific amalgam. These troubles somewhat manifested themselves in the above portrait of Hermes; the winged cap He is traditionally depicted with has transformed itself into both a crown and a hulking pair of soaring, fleshy wings emanating from His shoulders, and the recognisable caduceus has been reduced to a bamboo stick by His side.
Perhaps itâs just the style i instructed it to paint in â sixteenth-century European paintings arenât renowned for their diversity â but DreamStudio also has some real trouble with darker skin tones. You can cry âdark skin, dark bronze skin, dark skin, dark skin, dark skin, blackâ all you want, but the only thing that can consistently get it to generate anything a shade below the average Spaniard is âAfrican Americanâ, which tends to bring along a heap of other associated physical changes besides just skin tone. (I have to say, i donât particularly envision Hermes as the eponymous Futurama character in my head.)
It also has quite some trouble with arms and legs. Originally, i thought of its odd morphings and multiplications as a bug to be stamped out, but i came to see them as a feature, representing the manifold, varied aspects of the Gods, their omnipresence, transcending the limits of human form. (This is also why the Hindus do it, if i recall correctly.)
I would have rather the above portrait of Hermaphroditos been slightly more, ah, gynomorphic around the chest, so to speak, but iâd been trying to get a decent pose for what felt like an hour and i didnât feel like fighting the blur anymore.
So then â itâs a bit off in places, and lacks the leopard-skin toga i would have liked, and lord knows what the objects Heâs holding are meant to be, and it turned out the computer really, really, struggled with the basic concept of a faun or satyrâs legs, but we end this post with DreamStudioâs interpretation of an icon of Dionysos, framed by some beautiful landscape.
Navigating through the neural netâs knowledge and limitations has been a fascinating, illuminating exercise, which has left no doubt in my mind that âAI artâ is, indeed, just that: art. It seems to me much more comparable to something like photography than painting: rather than doing the hard work by hirself with brush strokes and pencil lines, the artist guides hir computer collaborator through latent space, pressing âclickâ when sie finds something appealing. One can only hope the Muses would approve.
I donât remember finding out that Britain had a Queen. Itâs one of those basic, primal facts you learn before you even enter primary school, in âMy First Dictionaryâ books and little picture stories â this is a cat, this is a dog, and this is the Queen.
My mother didnât either. Even my grandmother was just a bairn when Elizabeth came to the throne. Our family have lived our entire lives never knowing anything else â she seemed like such an immutable constant of British life, an unchanging, unmoving symbol of a country constantly in flux.
Of course i knew it couldnât be forever. The Netherlands had already gone through this when Queen Beatrix abdicated and all the shops out up cheeky advertisements about the national holidayâs change from Koninginnedag to Koningsdag. But then, she abdicated, didnât she? William-Alexander didnât have to wait until his mother died to get her old job. Such is the unique cruelty of the situation His Majesty Charles III â a title iâll never get used to â finds himself in now.
As Britain leaves the Elizabethan era â from the first televised coronation to a death announced over the internet, from Empire to Commonwealth, an age of immense advancement and change â and enters its third Caroline era, in this increasingly polarised and uncertain time, there is but one thing to say: The Queen is dead. Long live the King.
Iâve been terribly bored recently, and have been occupying myself by trying out a way i came up with of mapping out elections â a compromise of sorts between geographic maps (which donât always show the whole picture) and cartograms (which tend to be butt-ugly).
I chose to map out 2019âs results in the North East to get a feel of things:
New Zealand is relatively small, so i figured it would be the best choice for the first full country:
And, finally, the most recent council election in good old Northumberland1:
Oak Street. Acacia Grove. Orchard Way. These are all streets in my local area⌠and probably in yours as well. And this has to stop.
Tree theme naming is the final vestige of the toponymically bankrupt planner: the man with no connection to his local area, who hasnât an original bone in his body, and who has a pathological fear of causing even the slightest offence or puzzlement to anyone else. The famous roads of Britain â Oxford Street, Northumberland Street, Watling Street, the Great North Road â all have characteristic, descriptive names which reflect their environsâ history. Not so for the pedestrian Elm Streets of the world.
Perhaps this is a uniquely British sickness. In America, they prefer a neurotic obsession with rectilinear grids and similarly plain street names â Main Street, Second Avenue, Fourth Street, and so on until the end of the world â while the Netherlands, where i grew up, is home to a positive cornucopia of diversity in road toponymy. In Almere alone â a planned city with no local history to speak of, the optimum place to give up and resort to arboreal laziness â there are districts themed after musicians (Jimi Hendrixstraat), fruits (Ananasstraat), Gods (Donarstraat), even particle physics (Elementendreef). But in England? Nothing but trees, baby!
We need a complete and immediate moratorium on naming streets in the UK after trees. The urban planners of this perfidious isle would be well-served to do some actual research into the local area, and where that fails, grow a creative bone in their body â for the good of the ordinary citizens of this great isle.
I have to say â thereâs something strangely haunting about this cover of âIdiotequeâ using just the soundfont from Super Mario 64. Those marimbasâŚ